A new me; a change I can be proud of

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written in here. An awful lot has changed and I'm no longer the person I was when I last posted.

Brendan and I broke up back in June. I have to say it was the worst best thing that could have ever happened to me. I absolutely still love him, but my love for him has changed into a different kind of love. I can't say that when I see him I don't still feel all jittery inside, but I've changed so much that I can resist giving into the butterflies and letting them control my actions.

I was lost. I'm now found. I was broken. I am mending. God is responsible for this change in me for he has completely touched my heart and rocked my world. I needed this breakup with Brendan. As much as I feel for him and as much as I didn't want to break up; I needed this opportunity to take a step back and evaluate my life. I was exhausting myself running from God. I was exhausting myself giving in to my own fleshly desires. I was exhausting myself thinking I could do it on my own.

Back in August, a friend of mine invited me to Elevation. Elevation is an evening church service on Sundays that's mainly built up of young adults. I had been struggling with my past a few weeks prior. My past and the pain from it had been my primary focus for a while and I was constantly submerging myself back into that past in attempt to drown myself in the sorrow; in my own self calamity.

My very first night at Elevation was the beginning; the beginning of a new me; a girl who desired a true and deep relationship with God. The topic that night? Dealing with your past and learning to let go and let God. It gives me chills still to this day when I think back to that night. I was in tears, but I tried to hide them so that my friend wouldn't notice I was crying. I was touched. I feel like my eyes were opened finally.

Since then I made the decision to be baptized and did so in the Potomac river. That was an experience I will not EVER forget. I've also made many MANY new friends through Elevation. I love everyone there so much. They're amazing people and they really do have hearts on fire for God.

I pray for Brendan all the time. He doesn't know this. I haven't told him and probably wont. I know he doesn't read my blogs so I don't mind mentioning it here and if he does decide by some miracle to read them then well... maybe he wont mind that I pray for him. I don't see him often enough now to know where he is at with God, but I do know where he was at during our relationship and around the time we broke up. I pray that someday he'll completely surrender himself to God, reach out to God and desire a relationship with God. I'm not hoping that Brendan will grow closer to God so that we could possibly have a relationship together again or anything. I honestly don't think I could date him again. But... I still care about him and I still desire for him to have a closer relationship with God.