A different kind of love

Last night was most interesting. Brendan came by to drop off a few items of mine that had found their way lost in his house. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had no clue if it was going to be awkward or not.

I spent the entire day with an anxiety knot built up in my stomach. I'm not sure what about Brendan coming over made me feel so anxious. Maybe it was the uncomfortableness of a broken relationship colliding together for a moment. Maybe it was the act of him bringing over the last of my things. Maybe it was the awkward silence that was bound to make it's way into the room. Maybe it was some of the residual feelings that I still feel for him. Whatever it was; it had me feeling bound and sickly for the remainder of the day.

I think I had to remind myself to breathe a couple times as I waited for him to show up. Finally he did. We managed to talk a little with only a few small bouts of awkward silence. Mainly we just discussed what's been going on in our lives which served as a distraction to block my mind from resorting back to that night where we broke things off and the hurt I felt. I probably should have just grabbed my things and showed him to the door, but a huge part of me was really curious to know how he's been since I still do genuinely care about him.

Finally the moment came for him to go and we said our goodbyes. He shuffled out the door and a minute later I heard the familiar sound of his jeep starting up and rolling away.

I'd like to think that one day he and I can maybe be friends. Time will tell. I'm glad that we can at least be adults about it. One thing this visit did was help me to clarify the thoughts that I had been reasoning in my mind for a while now; that I no longer desire a relationship with him. Sure I still love him. I don't think that will diminish anytime soon, if ever. A part of me will probably always love him to a degree, but that love has already begun the process of dwindling into a very different kind of love.

I know God has someone out there planned for me. I don't believe in "the one" so to speak, but I do believe that there is a person who would be better suited with me.