I wrote this as a note on my facebook and wanted to post it on here as well

Hey my fellow Christians. I have an honest question. Do you feel self-conscious in crowds? Maybe you're afraid to pray out loud during a Bible study where everyone can hear you. Maybe you're nervous to read a passage from the Bible out loud in a group setting because you may stutter, mispronounce a word or lose your place. Maybe you've been feeling called to stand in front of your church or family and talk about Jesus, yet you hesitate. Why do you hesitate? You feel like everyone's eyes are on you. You worry about what they may think of you. Today is the day to get past those fears and stand up in front of everyone.

Most of us feel self-conscious in front of crowds and would much prefer to blend in with everyone else like a chameleon rather than be singled out. Imagine how self-conscious you may feel if you were deformed in any way or had something unusual or different about you that might cause people to stare. Mark 3:3 "Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, "Stand up in front of everyone." The man stood up and upon further instruction from Jesus, he stretched his hand out and his hand was fully restored in verse 5.

So why did Jesus ask the man with the shriveled hand to stand up? Why does Jesus ever ask us to step out in front of people? Why does he single us out at times? It isn't because he wants us to feel humiliated or feel like we're being made a spectacle of. When God singles us out from the crowd and asks us to stand up in front of everyone, it's because hes about to do something amazing that will bring him glory. The man with the shriveled hand was healed. What does God want to do in your life? You're going to have to stand up in front of everyone to find out.

This has been a huge area of difficulty in me for the longest time and has also been a huge area of change in me within the last few months. I used to be so afraid to be singled out, but I've really learned to plunge forward and just do it. I prayed out loud in front of a group for the first time ever a few months ago and I led my first Bible study discussion a few weeks ago. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's not always easy taking that step forward, but I can assure you that God is doing something amazing in my life right now to bring him glory. It's is because I have chosen to stand up in front of everyone. I try not to have fear about what others may think of me because in all honesty, this is about God. Fear is lack of faith guys. Remember that.

-Your sister in Christ

A friend of mine commented this and here's part of my response

While I've definitely come a LONG way in building up more confidence in stepping up to the plate without worrying about what others think of me, I still do find myself occasionally trying to convince myself to remain quiet and in shadows so no one will notice me. My biggest set backs are my fears and worries. I'm just always reminding myself that both fear and worrying are indications that I'm not putting full faith in God.

There's one quote about worrying that I heard once and it's stuck with me ever since.

"Worry never empties tomorrow of its sorrow, but it does empty it of its strength." Think about it.

A different kind of love

Last night was most interesting. Brendan came by to drop off a few items of mine that had found their way lost in his house. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had no clue if it was going to be awkward or not.

I spent the entire day with an anxiety knot built up in my stomach. I'm not sure what about Brendan coming over made me feel so anxious. Maybe it was the uncomfortableness of a broken relationship colliding together for a moment. Maybe it was the act of him bringing over the last of my things. Maybe it was the awkward silence that was bound to make it's way into the room. Maybe it was some of the residual feelings that I still feel for him. Whatever it was; it had me feeling bound and sickly for the remainder of the day.

I think I had to remind myself to breathe a couple times as I waited for him to show up. Finally he did. We managed to talk a little with only a few small bouts of awkward silence. Mainly we just discussed what's been going on in our lives which served as a distraction to block my mind from resorting back to that night where we broke things off and the hurt I felt. I probably should have just grabbed my things and showed him to the door, but a huge part of me was really curious to know how he's been since I still do genuinely care about him.

Finally the moment came for him to go and we said our goodbyes. He shuffled out the door and a minute later I heard the familiar sound of his jeep starting up and rolling away.

I'd like to think that one day he and I can maybe be friends. Time will tell. I'm glad that we can at least be adults about it. One thing this visit did was help me to clarify the thoughts that I had been reasoning in my mind for a while now; that I no longer desire a relationship with him. Sure I still love him. I don't think that will diminish anytime soon, if ever. A part of me will probably always love him to a degree, but that love has already begun the process of dwindling into a very different kind of love.

I know God has someone out there planned for me. I don't believe in "the one" so to speak, but I do believe that there is a person who would be better suited with me.

A new me; a change I can be proud of

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written in here. An awful lot has changed and I'm no longer the person I was when I last posted.

Brendan and I broke up back in June. I have to say it was the worst best thing that could have ever happened to me. I absolutely still love him, but my love for him has changed into a different kind of love. I can't say that when I see him I don't still feel all jittery inside, but I've changed so much that I can resist giving into the butterflies and letting them control my actions.

I was lost. I'm now found. I was broken. I am mending. God is responsible for this change in me for he has completely touched my heart and rocked my world. I needed this breakup with Brendan. As much as I feel for him and as much as I didn't want to break up; I needed this opportunity to take a step back and evaluate my life. I was exhausting myself running from God. I was exhausting myself giving in to my own fleshly desires. I was exhausting myself thinking I could do it on my own.

Back in August, a friend of mine invited me to Elevation. Elevation is an evening church service on Sundays that's mainly built up of young adults. I had been struggling with my past a few weeks prior. My past and the pain from it had been my primary focus for a while and I was constantly submerging myself back into that past in attempt to drown myself in the sorrow; in my own self calamity.

My very first night at Elevation was the beginning; the beginning of a new me; a girl who desired a true and deep relationship with God. The topic that night? Dealing with your past and learning to let go and let God. It gives me chills still to this day when I think back to that night. I was in tears, but I tried to hide them so that my friend wouldn't notice I was crying. I was touched. I feel like my eyes were opened finally.

Since then I made the decision to be baptized and did so in the Potomac river. That was an experience I will not EVER forget. I've also made many MANY new friends through Elevation. I love everyone there so much. They're amazing people and they really do have hearts on fire for God.

I pray for Brendan all the time. He doesn't know this. I haven't told him and probably wont. I know he doesn't read my blogs so I don't mind mentioning it here and if he does decide by some miracle to read them then well... maybe he wont mind that I pray for him. I don't see him often enough now to know where he is at with God, but I do know where he was at during our relationship and around the time we broke up. I pray that someday he'll completely surrender himself to God, reach out to God and desire a relationship with God. I'm not hoping that Brendan will grow closer to God so that we could possibly have a relationship together again or anything. I honestly don't think I could date him again. But... I still care about him and I still desire for him to have a closer relationship with God.