They say there is power in the brokeness. I've prayed the broken prayer. I asked God to break me for him. I need it. It's come down to this; I've fallen too far and need God to break me inside and mold me to be who he wants me to be. I know what I'm getting myself into. Everyone tells me that if you pray the broken prayer that you better prepare for it to not in any way be easy. I understand. I know. I need it. I need God back in my life. I've been running away from him for far too long and I need to stop, take a breath, turn around and run back to him. I can't do this without him. I need God in my life. I've screwed up so much on my own... thinking I could do it myself. I know that I was in the wrong. I've needed God this whole time. I just need to stand strong and truly seek after him. I need to not just say that I need to do it, but actually get up and do it. God is the only one who can help me stitch together this tapestry I call life.
Sometimes I'm a good writer. However, it seems that so many times when I'm in my deepest emotions, I just can't think of the words to write. It drives me crazy. I still have so much on my mind and no clue how to sort it out. Why is this? It leaves me weary and more confused than when I started. It's like I said in my last post. I'm a hamster running around on this wheel and when I stop I realize that I'm right where I was when I innitially began. All that effort was put forth with nothing achieved. I just don't get it. Can anyone else explain this to me? Do I make any sense? Probably not... but then that's how life goes I guess. We can't always have explanations for everything. Our brains would be mush because we wouldn't have to try to sort out problems and put the puzzles in life together.
There's been a lot going on in recent days. The Virginia Tech shooting took place on 4/16/2007. It was a sad day for all of us in mourning. Of the victims there was one who I kinda knew. We weren't friends or anything, but she was friends with some of my friends and I knew her a little through them. She seemed really nice. I can't believe that someone like her with so much talent and beauty was lost in the Virginia Tech massacre. It's still unfathomable to think that her and so many other upcoming individuals were killed. We all put aside our own today and remember these lost hokies for today we are ALL Hokies.
Still the question I hear a lot right now is "Where was God in the VT shooting?" I might have pondered on the same question for a moment or two myself. One answer I heard told really touched me; God was right there standing with the rest of us in mourning. With every shot fired he shed a tear. God gave Cho free will just like he gave all of us free will. Cho made the choice to kill these innocent people and then take his own life. He made the choice. God isn't responsible for our actions. Still... God was saddened by the choice Cho chose to make. His candle shown brighter than the rest in the millions of candlelight vigils that took place all over the world in memory of the victims. I hope that all who read this will truly see that God was there the whole time. He hasn't and never will leave our sides. The real question isn't where God was or why he allowed this to happen. The real question is what are we going to do about it? Where and Why lead us to nothing... but what we're going to do about it leads us on a path to determine a plan of action in this case.
One thing that I've been reminded through this tragedy is that life is short. We don't know what tomorrow brings. We can be here one moment and gone the next. We don't know when our time will meet it's end here on earth. I am reminded now that I need to make the best of the time I have. I need to live each day as if it were the last one I had to live. I don't need to live forever to live completely. One thing though... I need to try and live my life as a mirror image of God. It is only by living my life through Christ that I can truly live completely.
There are so many trials I've been faced with in life and so many I'm facing now and have still to come. Sometimes I'm not sure how to handle these trials. There's so many times where I honestly want to just give up; just throw in the towel. I know that I cannot though. Our trials were customed tailored for us and there is a purpose for each and every one of them. We may not know the purpose... but there is one. Our sufferings are meant to help us identify with Christ. That's the way I want to try and look at it every day.
I've decided that I'm going to look into a summer class at NOVA. I really need to get my feet back in the water with school. I still want to finish my associate's degree at NOVA and transfer somewhere else. I was really wanting to go to Virginia Tech. Even after the shooting... I still really want to go there. We'll see what the future brings though. I'll take it one day at a time and work on my associate's degree first. I still want to eventually move to the Outer Banks. That is one of the future goals I've set for myself. It probably wont happen anytime soon... not for a few years at least... but it's still a goal to be had.
I am going to start looking at things on a more positive note. I was doing so for a while, but then I allowed myself to falter. I am going to view things postively because positive thinking leads to positive actions. I'm going to aspire to believe and aspire to acheive. I won't be a good for nothing in life. I'm going to be succesful. I'm going to be a respectable woman. I'm going to be a great mother. I'm going to be a great wife. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter and friend. I am a great person and I will reach my dreams in life. I will succeed. I will go far. I will stretch out. I will make a difference in someone's life. I will lean on Christ. I will walk with God again. I am a Christian, a child of God and I WILL make that known again.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Round the wheel I go
The whole department of guys is just utterly confusing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about it anymore. I've never felt so tossed around in all my life. Maybe it's because I'm still in love with Brendan. Cory is such a nice guy and I like him... but I can't help the way I still feel about Brendan. I need to talk to Cory about it. I know I need to. I need to tell him the way I still feel for Brendan because it's not fair to him if I don't.
I'm not sure why I still love Brendan. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way. Maybe I'm not. I just need to continue to work on growing myself as a person. I need to work on my relationship with God first and foremost. Without God, I can't know the answers to the rest of my life's questions. With God first, the rest will follow. I need to continue to have that outlook on things. God will provide... but I need to seek him first.
My mind just races so much these days. There's not a moment's rest. I feel like a hamster running around that wheel. I keep going and going... and going. Nothing changes... all that effort is put into running that wheel, but no progress is made... because when I stop moving I realize that I'm still in the same place I was when I began. That's not what I want in life. I don't want to put out so much effort only to find that I'm stuck in the same place I began. I want to grow. I want to stretch out. I want to reach for my dreams and actually acheive them. I want to find my purpose in life. I want to understand why Amber is here. Why am I here on this planet? What am I supposed to do with the time I have. There's so much on my mind and what I've already stated is just a minimal in comparison to the ultimate thoughts that I'm consumed with.
I just want to find my place. I want to start a family. I want to be a good mom in the future. I want to be happy. I want to be successful in my eyes, God's eyes and the eyes of my friends and family around me. I want to be an influence on someone's life. I want to make a difference. I want, I want, I want so much, but I'm so good about not making it happen. It's one thing to want... it's another to do.
It all goes back to one thing though. I need to work on my relationship with God. I just have to. I'm never going to truly be happy until I do. I want to try this again with Brendan. I really hope that it is what God wants for me. I need to pray hard about it. In order for it to work out between us though we need to have God in the center. He needs to be our foundation. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. We need God to be that third binding strand that makes our cord. That is the only way this will work. We need to be strong and hold back from certain temptations. We need to take things slow. We moved way too fast the first time we tried this relationship and there are so many mistakes we made that I'd like not to repeat. Maybe in the time we've spent apart we've both grown some. I truly hope so. I know that I myself have changed. I just hope it's been change for the better. I'm growing up. I'm becomming a woman. I'm almost 21 years old. There's still so much to know. There's so much wisdom and knowledge that I have yet to cram into my head. There's always going to be so much more that we need to know. The incoming knowledge never ends. It's a lifetime process; growing up is.
Now that I've babbled on and on I really need to end this and get a little rest. It is almost 12 and there's still so much more I want to write, but little time in which to do so. I do have to rise early for work. I'll add more later on when I get a free moment.
I'm not sure why I still love Brendan. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way. Maybe I'm not. I just need to continue to work on growing myself as a person. I need to work on my relationship with God first and foremost. Without God, I can't know the answers to the rest of my life's questions. With God first, the rest will follow. I need to continue to have that outlook on things. God will provide... but I need to seek him first.
My mind just races so much these days. There's not a moment's rest. I feel like a hamster running around that wheel. I keep going and going... and going. Nothing changes... all that effort is put into running that wheel, but no progress is made... because when I stop moving I realize that I'm still in the same place I was when I began. That's not what I want in life. I don't want to put out so much effort only to find that I'm stuck in the same place I began. I want to grow. I want to stretch out. I want to reach for my dreams and actually acheive them. I want to find my purpose in life. I want to understand why Amber is here. Why am I here on this planet? What am I supposed to do with the time I have. There's so much on my mind and what I've already stated is just a minimal in comparison to the ultimate thoughts that I'm consumed with.
I just want to find my place. I want to start a family. I want to be a good mom in the future. I want to be happy. I want to be successful in my eyes, God's eyes and the eyes of my friends and family around me. I want to be an influence on someone's life. I want to make a difference. I want, I want, I want so much, but I'm so good about not making it happen. It's one thing to want... it's another to do.
It all goes back to one thing though. I need to work on my relationship with God. I just have to. I'm never going to truly be happy until I do. I want to try this again with Brendan. I really hope that it is what God wants for me. I need to pray hard about it. In order for it to work out between us though we need to have God in the center. He needs to be our foundation. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. We need God to be that third binding strand that makes our cord. That is the only way this will work. We need to be strong and hold back from certain temptations. We need to take things slow. We moved way too fast the first time we tried this relationship and there are so many mistakes we made that I'd like not to repeat. Maybe in the time we've spent apart we've both grown some. I truly hope so. I know that I myself have changed. I just hope it's been change for the better. I'm growing up. I'm becomming a woman. I'm almost 21 years old. There's still so much to know. There's so much wisdom and knowledge that I have yet to cram into my head. There's always going to be so much more that we need to know. The incoming knowledge never ends. It's a lifetime process; growing up is.
Now that I've babbled on and on I really need to end this and get a little rest. It is almost 12 and there's still so much more I want to write, but little time in which to do so. I do have to rise early for work. I'll add more later on when I get a free moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
