Decisions and Money, I hate it!

So many life options are thrown our way and we're left with the unfortunate task of having to make those decisions. Like I've said before in a previous post; it would be nice is we could foresee what each decision we could make would entail for us in the future. It would help us to make the right decision right? Maybe not... but it was a nice thought while it lasted. Anyways... these past couple days have been really rough. I'm not sure that I'm making the right decision. I guess only time will tell.

I've pretty much moved most of my stuff out of the apartment. I needed to be out by the 31st. Now, legally Brendan's mom has to give me a 30 day notice from the court of apartment complex, but I didn't feel like fighting her on it and getting on her bad side. Besides, it'll be better for both Brendan and myself with me out of there. The thing that sucks though is that I'm so far away from everything. I'm at least 30 minutes away from work, church, friends and my sunday night group. That's going to be a lot of gas and miles on my car. Oh well. I'm not planning on staying here more than a couple months. As soon as I can afford to get out of here, I'm gone. It's not that I don't love my grandparents. It's just that I hate the idea of having to live under someone's thumb. They don't understand me much because I'm so different than everyone else in the family.

I need to sit down and sort out my financial problems. I hate money. It causes too many issues. I have multiple verizon bills to pay, internet and cable bills, figure out car insurance, pay off friends and family.... etc... I hate money.

You are such a loser Amber

This day turned out to be rather crappy. Maybe it's because I was stuck at work forever. I was scheduled a double; tomorrow will be just the same. I really wish I could take some time off, but I know dang well that I can't afford that right now. I've got to get myself out of debt. I hate money. I may have said that before. Not sure... jk, I'm sure I have said so once or twice.

Anyways... I'm just seriously down right now. I know I shouldn't be, but it's hard not to. I keep finding myself pinging with small bouts of jealousy and depression. Why? I need to seriously get myself together and stop looking for ways to feel sorry for myself. Of course, that's a little easier said than done. When everything seems to be falling into the pits, it's hard not to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "What a loser." Maybe that's what I am right now, just a loser. It all starts to make sense now.

No, maybe it doesn't make sense. I'm not sure. I'm sick of crap that life throws my way. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm sick of feeling like this big fat failure. I know that right now I'm failing in everything I try to do. It sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if people point their fingers at me behind my back and snide about how I'll never amount to anything. What if I never end up going back to school? What if I work a minimum paying job the rest of my life? Will I allow myself to succumb to a life such as that? Am I going to remain forevermore a lazy procrastinator who never really stands up and makes the effort to achieve the goals she dreams up? What a life. At this rate, I'll be just like any other low life American who lacks the desire to actually get up and make a difference. That'll be me; little miss plain Jane who no one will ever notice.

I look at myself in the mirror and say, "You are such a loser Amber." Then I turn and walk away.

Where to begin

Who honestly knows how to begin a new blog? What do you write about in your first post? I have no idea. I keep a handwritten journal and have for years. I thought I would try this online thing a bit, but still plan on keeping the handwritten journal. Guess that means I need to write everything twice right? Oh well. Such is life.

Speaking of life. I have had so many ups and downs for the past few months. Between losing a fiance, having a miscarriage, getting fired from a job and finding out that my step-dad is soon to be another american face in Iraq, I've really endured some stress. I try to look at the brighter things in these situations and though I know I'm handling it better than most, I still feel a bit discombobulated.

Where to from here? Honestly I don't know. I have so many ideas. There are so many rough drafts in my head pointing different directions and I can't figure out which one to turn into my final draft. There are so many options in life and figuring out which way to turn can be killer. Sure, I could go to school. In fact, part of me really wants to. I really want to major in Equine Science and truly delve deeper into the equestrian world. But then there's a part of me that wonders if that kind of life is for me. Why can't life just be simple? Why can't decisions come with foretellings of what that decision will entail in the future?

Brendan wants to try us again. Is that truly what I want though? I mean, I love the guy so much and I really do want to be with him. Is it worth putting myself in a position to be hurt again? Who's to say he wont hurt me again. What are his honest intentions as far as getting back together is concerned. Does he have other motives or is he sincere about wanting to fix this relationship? Can I trust him? There's so many thoughts that run through my mind and I'm not sure how to process them. Maybe it's something I need to just sit down and talk to him about and hope that he'll be open and honest with me. I'll keep you posted on the matter.

Why is everything in life so confusing though? At times I feel like a worthless being trapped in a dark room. I claw at the walls, but there is no escape and my eyes wont adjust to the lack of lighting. Why do I feel like this? I've spent so much time trying to keep him from falling that I failed to notice my own problems. So now I need to fix this and I have no clue where to begin. There are no instructions on how to live life and make decisions. Why didn't I come with instructions? It would make everything less confusing right? I just don't understand sometimes.

Now my potential roommate can't room with me either. I fully understand her reasonings, but at the same time it kind of leaves me trapped in that room that I'm trying desperately to escape from. So now where do I go? I guess I can see if my grandparents would let me board at their place, but it's such a drive from everything. Would that really be the best choice for me? And don't even get me started on finances. I'm in debt and I have no clue where I'm going to come up with the extra money. I know I can get a second job. In fact, I'm already in the process of getting one, I hope. But seriously, why do I screw up so much? When will I ever just get it right? Sure I may end up pulling myself out of debt this time, but with my luck and stupidity I'll just land myself right back in the hole again. I'm an idiot and I'm willing to admit that. I'm tired of mooching people. I'm tired of not doing things myself. I'm tired of screwing up. I'm tired of being so ignorant. I'm tired of not being the person I know I can be. I'm just plain tired. I'm tired of everything.

I guess this is what they call life.