You are such a loser Amber

This day turned out to be rather crappy. Maybe it's because I was stuck at work forever. I was scheduled a double; tomorrow will be just the same. I really wish I could take some time off, but I know dang well that I can't afford that right now. I've got to get myself out of debt. I hate money. I may have said that before. Not sure... jk, I'm sure I have said so once or twice.

Anyways... I'm just seriously down right now. I know I shouldn't be, but it's hard not to. I keep finding myself pinging with small bouts of jealousy and depression. Why? I need to seriously get myself together and stop looking for ways to feel sorry for myself. Of course, that's a little easier said than done. When everything seems to be falling into the pits, it's hard not to look in the mirror and say to yourself, "What a loser." Maybe that's what I am right now, just a loser. It all starts to make sense now.

No, maybe it doesn't make sense. I'm not sure. I'm sick of crap that life throws my way. I'm sick of feeling inadequate. I'm sick of feeling like this big fat failure. I know that right now I'm failing in everything I try to do. It sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if people point their fingers at me behind my back and snide about how I'll never amount to anything. What if I never end up going back to school? What if I work a minimum paying job the rest of my life? Will I allow myself to succumb to a life such as that? Am I going to remain forevermore a lazy procrastinator who never really stands up and makes the effort to achieve the goals she dreams up? What a life. At this rate, I'll be just like any other low life American who lacks the desire to actually get up and make a difference. That'll be me; little miss plain Jane who no one will ever notice.

I look at myself in the mirror and say, "You are such a loser Amber." Then I turn and walk away.