Where to begin

Who honestly knows how to begin a new blog? What do you write about in your first post? I have no idea. I keep a handwritten journal and have for years. I thought I would try this online thing a bit, but still plan on keeping the handwritten journal. Guess that means I need to write everything twice right? Oh well. Such is life.

Speaking of life. I have had so many ups and downs for the past few months. Between losing a fiance, having a miscarriage, getting fired from a job and finding out that my step-dad is soon to be another american face in Iraq, I've really endured some stress. I try to look at the brighter things in these situations and though I know I'm handling it better than most, I still feel a bit discombobulated.

Where to from here? Honestly I don't know. I have so many ideas. There are so many rough drafts in my head pointing different directions and I can't figure out which one to turn into my final draft. There are so many options in life and figuring out which way to turn can be killer. Sure, I could go to school. In fact, part of me really wants to. I really want to major in Equine Science and truly delve deeper into the equestrian world. But then there's a part of me that wonders if that kind of life is for me. Why can't life just be simple? Why can't decisions come with foretellings of what that decision will entail in the future?

Brendan wants to try us again. Is that truly what I want though? I mean, I love the guy so much and I really do want to be with him. Is it worth putting myself in a position to be hurt again? Who's to say he wont hurt me again. What are his honest intentions as far as getting back together is concerned. Does he have other motives or is he sincere about wanting to fix this relationship? Can I trust him? There's so many thoughts that run through my mind and I'm not sure how to process them. Maybe it's something I need to just sit down and talk to him about and hope that he'll be open and honest with me. I'll keep you posted on the matter.

Why is everything in life so confusing though? At times I feel like a worthless being trapped in a dark room. I claw at the walls, but there is no escape and my eyes wont adjust to the lack of lighting. Why do I feel like this? I've spent so much time trying to keep him from falling that I failed to notice my own problems. So now I need to fix this and I have no clue where to begin. There are no instructions on how to live life and make decisions. Why didn't I come with instructions? It would make everything less confusing right? I just don't understand sometimes.

Now my potential roommate can't room with me either. I fully understand her reasonings, but at the same time it kind of leaves me trapped in that room that I'm trying desperately to escape from. So now where do I go? I guess I can see if my grandparents would let me board at their place, but it's such a drive from everything. Would that really be the best choice for me? And don't even get me started on finances. I'm in debt and I have no clue where I'm going to come up with the extra money. I know I can get a second job. In fact, I'm already in the process of getting one, I hope. But seriously, why do I screw up so much? When will I ever just get it right? Sure I may end up pulling myself out of debt this time, but with my luck and stupidity I'll just land myself right back in the hole again. I'm an idiot and I'm willing to admit that. I'm tired of mooching people. I'm tired of not doing things myself. I'm tired of screwing up. I'm tired of being so ignorant. I'm tired of not being the person I know I can be. I'm just plain tired. I'm tired of everything.

I guess this is what they call life.