Web of Dismay

Why am I allowing myself to be so frustrated today? This chair at work is annoyingly squeaky and every time the phone rings I want to strangle the person on the other line. Oh what joy it would be to be able to pick up the phone and chuck it at the wall adjacent to my desk. The continual frustrations bite at me like a rabid bat; a bat that I can't seem to shake myself of.

Last Sunday at group, Tanya taught a lesson on James 3. The majority of the chapter speaks of taming the tongue and trying to control your anger. You would think that after the lesson I would try harder. Instead I find myself more frustrated and angry than I was to begin with. Maybe it's because I spend so much time bondaging these frustrations up inside me without making attempt to resolve the problems.

It's times like these that I find myself hiding in the shadows waiting for the passing of the storms. Still, though I trap these feelings inside, afraid to unleash them at the situations the frustrations have been born from; I allow them to leak out at the persons (or one person in particular) who I truly would rather not place my burdens upon. He has suffered enough of my venting and I try so hard to spare him my troubles, but in the end I don't realize that I've placed them on his shoulders once again until it's too late and I've already created damage. I just hope that he will forgive me and continue to stand by as I go through this temporary rough time. I appreciate him so much for being there for me. I wish he understood exactly just how much I appreciate it. Words would not be fit enough to prove that though as my appreciation is so much more than words tell.

Another problem I find myself faced with is that I worry too much. A friend once told me that there is no profit in worry. It's been some of the best advice I've received though I haven't done much in way of mastering the art of not worrying. Another friend recently told me that he thinks of worry as being almost that of sin because when you worry you show your lack of faith in God. That's what I'm doing; showing my lack of faith. I wish I had more faith. I want to have more faith. I really do. I just allow everything that bothers me to get in the way of stuff that should hold higher priority in my life.

I have about a million problems running circles in my mind right now, but I'll spare you the details. It's not something I'd like to bring about. I'd much rather avoid the sympathy and/or arguments that could be birthed from them. I will say however that I'm not going to be the person who becomes highly depressed and sits around doing absolutely nothing about it. Sure, I get depressed just the same as anyone else would who finds their self trapped in a web of troubles and dismay. However, it's not something that I will allow to take control over who I am. I'm stronger than that. Whether you see it or not makes no difference to me because I know who I am and I know that I will pull through any storm that comes my way. It may not be an easy task, but I can do it. I know I can.