Round the wheel I go

The whole department of guys is just utterly confusing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about it anymore. I've never felt so tossed around in all my life. Maybe it's because I'm still in love with Brendan. Cory is such a nice guy and I like him... but I can't help the way I still feel about Brendan. I need to talk to Cory about it. I know I need to. I need to tell him the way I still feel for Brendan because it's not fair to him if I don't.

I'm not sure why I still love Brendan. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way. Maybe I'm not. I just need to continue to work on growing myself as a person. I need to work on my relationship with God first and foremost. Without God, I can't know the answers to the rest of my life's questions. With God first, the rest will follow. I need to continue to have that outlook on things. God will provide... but I need to seek him first.

My mind just races so much these days. There's not a moment's rest. I feel like a hamster running around that wheel. I keep going and going... and going. Nothing changes... all that effort is put into running that wheel, but no progress is made... because when I stop moving I realize that I'm still in the same place I was when I began. That's not what I want in life. I don't want to put out so much effort only to find that I'm stuck in the same place I began. I want to grow. I want to stretch out. I want to reach for my dreams and actually acheive them. I want to find my purpose in life. I want to understand why Amber is here. Why am I here on this planet? What am I supposed to do with the time I have. There's so much on my mind and what I've already stated is just a minimal in comparison to the ultimate thoughts that I'm consumed with.

I just want to find my place. I want to start a family. I want to be a good mom in the future. I want to be happy. I want to be successful in my eyes, God's eyes and the eyes of my friends and family around me. I want to be an influence on someone's life. I want to make a difference. I want, I want, I want so much, but I'm so good about not making it happen. It's one thing to want... it's another to do.

It all goes back to one thing though. I need to work on my relationship with God. I just have to. I'm never going to truly be happy until I do. I want to try this again with Brendan. I really hope that it is what God wants for me. I need to pray hard about it. In order for it to work out between us though we need to have God in the center. He needs to be our foundation. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. We need God to be that third binding strand that makes our cord. That is the only way this will work. We need to be strong and hold back from certain temptations. We need to take things slow. We moved way too fast the first time we tried this relationship and there are so many mistakes we made that I'd like not to repeat. Maybe in the time we've spent apart we've both grown some. I truly hope so. I know that I myself have changed. I just hope it's been change for the better. I'm growing up. I'm becomming a woman. I'm almost 21 years old. There's still so much to know. There's so much wisdom and knowledge that I have yet to cram into my head. There's always going to be so much more that we need to know. The incoming knowledge never ends. It's a lifetime process; growing up is.

Now that I've babbled on and on I really need to end this and get a little rest. It is almost 12 and there's still so much more I want to write, but little time in which to do so. I do have to rise early for work. I'll add more later on when I get a free moment.