The end of old and a new beginning

I put in my two weeks notice at Red Robin. My last day is this coming Friday. I'm looking forward to being done with that place. I'm looking forward to moving forward with my life. I'm almost 21 years old. I'm not getting any younger. I need to start doing something worthwhile for once.

I can't wait to see what the future brings for me. I'm excited to see what twists and turns I go through and what adventures I'm set sailing into. There's so much to be had and I'm going to experience all that I can. I can't wait.

Anyways... Normally these entries are longer, but I don't feel like writing much today. So, I'll go ahead and end this for now.

Scrambled minds anyone?

I finally made my decision.

I really liked Cory. I still do. He's a great guy. He honestly is. I can't hide from my heart though. I can't hide from the truth. I'm still so in love with Brendan. I wanted to make sure that this love is real and not just a little dust left over from the past. It's real. Telling Cory that was the hardest thing I've had to do. How do you tell someone that hasn't done anything wrong that you can't have a relationship with them? It sounds like it should be simple, but it just isn't.

I just have to follow where my heart is leading me and hope that it's pulling me in the right direction. I've got to learn to trust God in this situation too since that's an area I seem to be lacking in.

I'm really looking forward to finding my niche in life. I'm really looking forward towards discovering my purpose. I'm really looking forward to chasing after my dreams as they scramble in every direction. I want to run in the rain and spin circles in it like I did when I was a kid. Why shouldn't I? Sometimes you have to find the inner child in you so as to stall the process of growing up. Sometimes you need that spark to keep your heart alive. I'm going off topic completely, but I'm just writing everything as I think it. Doesn't matter if it makes complete sense or not I imagine.

There's so much more I wish to write, but as it stands right now... I can't. So I will end this for now.

Aspire to believe, Aspire to achieve

They say there is power in the brokeness. I've prayed the broken prayer. I asked God to break me for him. I need it. It's come down to this; I've fallen too far and need God to break me inside and mold me to be who he wants me to be. I know what I'm getting myself into. Everyone tells me that if you pray the broken prayer that you better prepare for it to not in any way be easy. I understand. I know. I need it. I need God back in my life. I've been running away from him for far too long and I need to stop, take a breath, turn around and run back to him. I can't do this without him. I need God in my life. I've screwed up so much on my own... thinking I could do it myself. I know that I was in the wrong. I've needed God this whole time. I just need to stand strong and truly seek after him. I need to not just say that I need to do it, but actually get up and do it. God is the only one who can help me stitch together this tapestry I call life.

Sometimes I'm a good writer. However, it seems that so many times when I'm in my deepest emotions, I just can't think of the words to write. It drives me crazy. I still have so much on my mind and no clue how to sort it out. Why is this? It leaves me weary and more confused than when I started. It's like I said in my last post. I'm a hamster running around on this wheel and when I stop I realize that I'm right where I was when I innitially began. All that effort was put forth with nothing achieved. I just don't get it. Can anyone else explain this to me? Do I make any sense? Probably not... but then that's how life goes I guess. We can't always have explanations for everything. Our brains would be mush because we wouldn't have to try to sort out problems and put the puzzles in life together.

There's been a lot going on in recent days. The Virginia Tech shooting took place on 4/16/2007. It was a sad day for all of us in mourning. Of the victims there was one who I kinda knew. We weren't friends or anything, but she was friends with some of my friends and I knew her a little through them. She seemed really nice. I can't believe that someone like her with so much talent and beauty was lost in the Virginia Tech massacre. It's still unfathomable to think that her and so many other upcoming individuals were killed. We all put aside our own today and remember these lost hokies for today we are ALL Hokies.

Still the question I hear a lot right now is "Where was God in the VT shooting?" I might have pondered on the same question for a moment or two myself. One answer I heard told really touched me; God was right there standing with the rest of us in mourning. With every shot fired he shed a tear. God gave Cho free will just like he gave all of us free will. Cho made the choice to kill these innocent people and then take his own life. He made the choice. God isn't responsible for our actions. Still... God was saddened by the choice Cho chose to make. His candle shown brighter than the rest in the millions of candlelight vigils that took place all over the world in memory of the victims. I hope that all who read this will truly see that God was there the whole time. He hasn't and never will leave our sides. The real question isn't where God was or why he allowed this to happen. The real question is what are we going to do about it? Where and Why lead us to nothing... but what we're going to do about it leads us on a path to determine a plan of action in this case.

One thing that I've been reminded through this tragedy is that life is short. We don't know what tomorrow brings. We can be here one moment and gone the next. We don't know when our time will meet it's end here on earth. I am reminded now that I need to make the best of the time I have. I need to live each day as if it were the last one I had to live. I don't need to live forever to live completely. One thing though... I need to try and live my life as a mirror image of God. It is only by living my life through Christ that I can truly live completely.

There are so many trials I've been faced with in life and so many I'm facing now and have still to come. Sometimes I'm not sure how to handle these trials. There's so many times where I honestly want to just give up; just throw in the towel. I know that I cannot though. Our trials were customed tailored for us and there is a purpose for each and every one of them. We may not know the purpose... but there is one. Our sufferings are meant to help us identify with Christ. That's the way I want to try and look at it every day.

I've decided that I'm going to look into a summer class at NOVA. I really need to get my feet back in the water with school. I still want to finish my associate's degree at NOVA and transfer somewhere else. I was really wanting to go to Virginia Tech. Even after the shooting... I still really want to go there. We'll see what the future brings though. I'll take it one day at a time and work on my associate's degree first. I still want to eventually move to the Outer Banks. That is one of the future goals I've set for myself. It probably wont happen anytime soon... not for a few years at least... but it's still a goal to be had.

I am going to start looking at things on a more positive note. I was doing so for a while, but then I allowed myself to falter. I am going to view things postively because positive thinking leads to positive actions. I'm going to aspire to believe and aspire to acheive. I won't be a good for nothing in life. I'm going to be succesful. I'm going to be a respectable woman. I'm going to be a great mother. I'm going to be a great wife. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter and friend. I am a great person and I will reach my dreams in life. I will succeed. I will go far. I will stretch out. I will make a difference in someone's life. I will lean on Christ. I will walk with God again. I am a Christian, a child of God and I WILL make that known again.

Round the wheel I go

The whole department of guys is just utterly confusing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about it anymore. I've never felt so tossed around in all my life. Maybe it's because I'm still in love with Brendan. Cory is such a nice guy and I like him... but I can't help the way I still feel about Brendan. I need to talk to Cory about it. I know I need to. I need to tell him the way I still feel for Brendan because it's not fair to him if I don't.

I'm not sure why I still love Brendan. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way. Maybe I'm not. I just need to continue to work on growing myself as a person. I need to work on my relationship with God first and foremost. Without God, I can't know the answers to the rest of my life's questions. With God first, the rest will follow. I need to continue to have that outlook on things. God will provide... but I need to seek him first.

My mind just races so much these days. There's not a moment's rest. I feel like a hamster running around that wheel. I keep going and going... and going. Nothing changes... all that effort is put into running that wheel, but no progress is made... because when I stop moving I realize that I'm still in the same place I was when I began. That's not what I want in life. I don't want to put out so much effort only to find that I'm stuck in the same place I began. I want to grow. I want to stretch out. I want to reach for my dreams and actually acheive them. I want to find my purpose in life. I want to understand why Amber is here. Why am I here on this planet? What am I supposed to do with the time I have. There's so much on my mind and what I've already stated is just a minimal in comparison to the ultimate thoughts that I'm consumed with.

I just want to find my place. I want to start a family. I want to be a good mom in the future. I want to be happy. I want to be successful in my eyes, God's eyes and the eyes of my friends and family around me. I want to be an influence on someone's life. I want to make a difference. I want, I want, I want so much, but I'm so good about not making it happen. It's one thing to want... it's another to do.

It all goes back to one thing though. I need to work on my relationship with God. I just have to. I'm never going to truly be happy until I do. I want to try this again with Brendan. I really hope that it is what God wants for me. I need to pray hard about it. In order for it to work out between us though we need to have God in the center. He needs to be our foundation. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. We need God to be that third binding strand that makes our cord. That is the only way this will work. We need to be strong and hold back from certain temptations. We need to take things slow. We moved way too fast the first time we tried this relationship and there are so many mistakes we made that I'd like not to repeat. Maybe in the time we've spent apart we've both grown some. I truly hope so. I know that I myself have changed. I just hope it's been change for the better. I'm growing up. I'm becomming a woman. I'm almost 21 years old. There's still so much to know. There's so much wisdom and knowledge that I have yet to cram into my head. There's always going to be so much more that we need to know. The incoming knowledge never ends. It's a lifetime process; growing up is.

Now that I've babbled on and on I really need to end this and get a little rest. It is almost 12 and there's still so much more I want to write, but little time in which to do so. I do have to rise early for work. I'll add more later on when I get a free moment.

The changing of the tides

Life is ever changing. We can't stop the change. There's no way to avoid it, no place to hide. Sometimes I can't figure out how I feel about change. Part of me hates stepping outside of my comfort zone. Part of me is scared of the idea of doing something different because I like where I'm at. Still... there's another part of me that longs for a change; longs for something that hasn't already been established as the norm for me.

Where am I going with this? I'm not quite sure. I do know this however; it's time for change in my life. For too long I've been sheltering myself in my comfort zone. It's time that I step out of it now. I'm so different from my family. I'm not the only one that sees that. I was talking to my step mom about it yesterday. She sees that I'm different; that I march to the beat of my own drum. To be honest, I like that about me. I don't want to be like everyone else. If people tell me I need to do things one way in order to be successful then I like to be the girl to follow my own path and do it a different way. I can't understand why I am this way... but that's who I am. Take it or leave it.

So. I've been searching for the piece of me that is still missing in my life. There's so much more out there I have yet to discover. I seek for adventure. I yearn for it. I like to travel. I like to experience new things. I want to learn to fly a plane on my own, sail a boat, swim with dolphins, race horses across open fields, and dance across the shore in the moonlight with the one I love. Yes. That is me. The adventurous dreamer. I've always been the dreamer in the family. I do need to learn to find my base first though so that I can provide myself a foundation and then from there take off to reach for my dreams. I keep telling myself one thing though. God gave us dreams one size too big so that we have to stretch into them.

Some people don't have faith in me. They can't see that I can do it. I'm going to do it though. Whatever my heart's desire; I will do it. Whatever the mind can conceive it can achieve right? I'm not going to do it to prove to anyone else that I can. I'm just going to do it for myself. I want to show myself that I have the ability to make it in this world... and enjoy the path to my dreams as well. Some say that my head is trapped in the clouds. Oh well.. that's me. That's who I am. Whether you think you can or can't, either way you're right. I'm going to keep thinking that I can... and I will. Watch me and you'll see.

Anyways... I'm trying to figure out now where to find that base. That is where I need change in my life. If I'm ever going to achieve my dreams then I need to have the base to branch off from. I'm exploring my possibilities. I'm looking for any opportunity that comes my way that will help pick me up off the ground, dust myself off and move forward. This is my life; my adventure. I'm really excited to see where it takes me.

I'll keep everyone posted on what's to come as I figure it out.

Snowflakes falling onto your tongue

This is the second day that I've been stuck at home. We had a bit of snow and I live at the bottom of a hill. I haven't been able to get my car up the hill and the plow company refuses to send a plow down here. They said we just have to wait for it all to melt. I'm very frustrated since I need to be at work. I can't afford to not be there. It's driving me crazy.

So... what do I do with the time that I have to spare? I could start working on a painting... or write. I think writing sounds more like something I'd prefer to spend this day on. One of my new year's resolutions was to start working on a book. It's the middle of February and I have yet to put the pen to paper. I'm still working on coming up with a good story line.

Anyways... I've decided to start a new journal... a journal of my dreams. I'm going to record them in a hand written journal that I'll keep next to my bed, but if there's interesting ones that I feel like sharing I'll start a new journal on blogspot for them. I got the idea from someone who has an online blogspot journal for his astral projection training process and he mentioned the idea of having a dream journal. I realize that I have so many dreams that I should write down. Since I don't always write them down right away they tend to become a bit hazy.

Just Pray

My step dad is going to Iraq in early March and I wrote this poem for him. I'm headed to California end of February to see him before he leaves. I plan on reading this poem to him when I say my goodbyes and of course I'm also giving him a copy of the poem to take along with him.

“Just Pray”

You take your leave to a far away place
To a land where dust never settles
Can you see the worry written on my face?
Pierces my stomach like stinging nettles.

You make this dangerous journey today
To a place where there lies so much fear
I know the best thing I can do is just pray
Though I can’t help but shed all these tears.

I want you to know just how much I love you
I want you to know just how deeply I care
I want you to know there’s nothing I won't do
To know you’ll be in every one of my prayers.

You were there for me in times I felt so lost
You held me close when no one else would
Stood right beside me no matter what the cost
And never received the thanks that you should.

Here I am today in gratefulness for everything
For taking me in without moment’s hesitation
You helped seal the tears in my broken wings
Now you go to help seal God’s broken nation.

I’m scared for you, though I know you’ll be strong
You’ll always be the bravest one in my eyes
I know you’re not alone; God will guide you along
Just promise me every night that you’ll look to the skies.

There the moon will subsist, bright as clear day’s glow
Take a moment to look, for me you must do
And when you see the moon at night; I want you to know
I’ll be staring back at it thinking only of you.

Here I am as your daughter to say my partings
Please don’t be gone long; we need you here
Tried not to cry as I wrote this, now tears are starting
Before I turn and walk away please hold me near.

Please don’t forget to write to me tomorrow
Couldn’t bear not to hear from you anymore
Be safe and be strong, and be there no sorrow
As you take your leave into this cutting war.

You make this dangerous journey today
To a place where there lies so much fear
I know the best thing I can do is just pray
Though I can’t help but shed all these tears.


Written by: Amber Grisler to Steven McGee