Snowflakes falling onto your tongue

This is the second day that I've been stuck at home. We had a bit of snow and I live at the bottom of a hill. I haven't been able to get my car up the hill and the plow company refuses to send a plow down here. They said we just have to wait for it all to melt. I'm very frustrated since I need to be at work. I can't afford to not be there. It's driving me crazy.

So... what do I do with the time that I have to spare? I could start working on a painting... or write. I think writing sounds more like something I'd prefer to spend this day on. One of my new year's resolutions was to start working on a book. It's the middle of February and I have yet to put the pen to paper. I'm still working on coming up with a good story line.

Anyways... I've decided to start a new journal... a journal of my dreams. I'm going to record them in a hand written journal that I'll keep next to my bed, but if there's interesting ones that I feel like sharing I'll start a new journal on blogspot for them. I got the idea from someone who has an online blogspot journal for his astral projection training process and he mentioned the idea of having a dream journal. I realize that I have so many dreams that I should write down. Since I don't always write them down right away they tend to become a bit hazy.

Just Pray

My step dad is going to Iraq in early March and I wrote this poem for him. I'm headed to California end of February to see him before he leaves. I plan on reading this poem to him when I say my goodbyes and of course I'm also giving him a copy of the poem to take along with him.

“Just Pray”

You take your leave to a far away place
To a land where dust never settles
Can you see the worry written on my face?
Pierces my stomach like stinging nettles.

You make this dangerous journey today
To a place where there lies so much fear
I know the best thing I can do is just pray
Though I can’t help but shed all these tears.

I want you to know just how much I love you
I want you to know just how deeply I care
I want you to know there’s nothing I won't do
To know you’ll be in every one of my prayers.

You were there for me in times I felt so lost
You held me close when no one else would
Stood right beside me no matter what the cost
And never received the thanks that you should.

Here I am today in gratefulness for everything
For taking me in without moment’s hesitation
You helped seal the tears in my broken wings
Now you go to help seal God’s broken nation.

I’m scared for you, though I know you’ll be strong
You’ll always be the bravest one in my eyes
I know you’re not alone; God will guide you along
Just promise me every night that you’ll look to the skies.

There the moon will subsist, bright as clear day’s glow
Take a moment to look, for me you must do
And when you see the moon at night; I want you to know
I’ll be staring back at it thinking only of you.

Here I am as your daughter to say my partings
Please don’t be gone long; we need you here
Tried not to cry as I wrote this, now tears are starting
Before I turn and walk away please hold me near.

Please don’t forget to write to me tomorrow
Couldn’t bear not to hear from you anymore
Be safe and be strong, and be there no sorrow
As you take your leave into this cutting war.

You make this dangerous journey today
To a place where there lies so much fear
I know the best thing I can do is just pray
Though I can’t help but shed all these tears.


Written by: Amber Grisler to Steven McGee

A chance to get back on my feet and dust myself off...

I haven't felt so liberated in such a long time. Things are great. Brendan and I are still talking, but I'm glad that I'm taking time away to find myself. I'm starting to get back into old hobbies like writing and drawing. I really wonder why it was that I put all that aside when I was still with him. I'm really not sure. I feel so much more alive now that I'm digging up these past hobbies I enjoyed so much. I plan on starting a new book soon. I was thinking of finishing one of the previous books I had started writing a long time ago, but I think I need to start everything off fresh and in doing so I also need to start writing something fresh as well.

I'm really looking forward to this journey I have to find out who Amber is and what she wants with this life. It's exciting. I've been given the opportunity to rediscover who I am. Sure the breakup was and still is a hard endeavor for me, but I choose to look at it as a blessing in disguise. Maybe one day things will work out between Brendan and myself if it's supposed to. Or maybe there's someone else that I'm supposed to give my heart to. I guess time will tell and the best thing for me to do is take whatever steps I need to in order to figure out what I want in life and let relationship stuff fall into place when and where they should fall.

Looking forward to any new relationships (be it friendships or something more) that I make along this journey. It's time to pick up these broken pieces and glue them back together.

This life of yours is tumbling down
You don't know which way to turn
Fading into darkness without a sound
Casting memories in flames to burn

Hope is lost; your end draws near
Sitting alone with the knife in your hand
You trap everything within, save a single tear
Ending this misery is in high demand

The pain of love lost defeats your heart
Leaves you battle scarred and worn
You want to surrender to the piercing dart
To cut free what's already been torn.

I know the wounds you feel tonight
I've been there once before, you see
It was the same grim depressing sight
Only the one clutching the knife was me

I'd lost everything I held close to my heart
Bathed myself amongst tears of blue devils
My life had unraveled; all had fallen apart
Feelings of despondent on every level

**editor's note** I never finished this poem. I wrote it for a friend of mine who tried to commit suicide... never got around to finishing this poem though.

Barefoot + Treadmill= OUCH!

Stop it, Stop it, STOP IT!!!! I'm tired of all these mixed emotions running through my brain. One minute I want to try again with Brendan and the next I'm not so sure. I just don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt again. I really want to work on my walk with God and I know that I can't focus on God right now if I try to focus on Brendan too. It needs to be one or the other and right now I need to choose God. Maybe God will put Brendan back in my courting/dating life one day when he sees fit, but I need to be stronger about not letting Brendan into my life too much right now. That doesn't mean that I want to lose contact with him altogether... it's nothing like that. I just need to not get too close to him and make sure that when we're together there are other people around. It's too easy to jump into old habits when it's just the two of us.

I hurt my feet today. It sucks... they are sore and scratched up. Guess you shouldn't be on a treadmill for more than 30 minutes barefoot huh? Oops. I wasn't entirely thinking. I only planned on walking it for 10 minutes. The next thing I know it's been 30 minutes and my feet are starting to feel really hot. Next time I'll wear shoes.

I've really been working on achieving my New Year's resolutions this year. I'm not very good at sticking to it, but this time I'm not doing it alone. I have friends alongside me and that's really encouraging. My goal is that I'm going to look great in a bikini this summer. I'm determined. You better not stand in my way. I've already lost 3 pounds and that's helping me to feel even more motivated to continue. YAY!

Anyways... Not much else to report currently. Wow, this was kind of a boring post don't you think?

Lost in the wilderness

I could have lost him forever. What would I have done? How would I have handled the situation? God was definitely looking out for all 8 of them. A bunch of my guy friends from my bible study including Brendan went on a camping trip this weekend. It sounded like great time for them to get together and find their inner men and grow closer in their bond with one another. Us girls had a 2 day long sleepover at Tanya's, which was a lot of fun. It's not that often I allow myself to enter the world of girly. I've always been slightly more tom-boyish in nature. I really enjoyed myself however.

Anyways... the guys drove about 3 hours to Hot Springs, VA area. Then they had to hike and canoe 3 miles to reach their camping destination. Their plan was to be back by around 3 o'clock Sunday afternoon. By 3 we had still not heard a word from anyone. By 8 o'clock there was still no word and we were starting to worry. At first we figured they had just gotten a late start. But, since not one guy had called us to let us know what was going on we were really getting concerned. Finally at 10 o'clock we called the police to report that they had still not returned.

The state trooper ended up finding them. Apparently all the guys were suffering from bouts of hypothermia, some worse off than others. One of my friends has asthma and couldn't breathe. Brendan and a couple of the guys had to canoe back to get out somewhere where they could find reception and call us to let us know everyone was ok. Brendan was telling me that they got stuck in the middle of the lake for 3 hours in the pouring rain and it was so foggy they couldn't see in front of them to know where they were going. They were completely lost. That's so scary. I'm so glad that they made it home ok. I don't know how I would handle it if we had lost anyone.

They definitely have an adventure to spill though. Next time the guys can stay home, watch chick flicks and paint their nails. Us girls will do the camping thing, haha. Of course, not in the dead of winter though.

Anyways... I can't even begin to explain how worried and knotted my stomach was. It was a relief to hear that they were ok and I felt so much better once Brendan walked into that room. I don't care if they were supposedly lacking some inteligence in getting ready to leave sooner or whatever anyone else says... none of that matters right now. They're safe and that's all that truly matters to me at this point.

Decisions and Money, I hate it!

So many life options are thrown our way and we're left with the unfortunate task of having to make those decisions. Like I've said before in a previous post; it would be nice is we could foresee what each decision we could make would entail for us in the future. It would help us to make the right decision right? Maybe not... but it was a nice thought while it lasted. Anyways... these past couple days have been really rough. I'm not sure that I'm making the right decision. I guess only time will tell.

I've pretty much moved most of my stuff out of the apartment. I needed to be out by the 31st. Now, legally Brendan's mom has to give me a 30 day notice from the court of apartment complex, but I didn't feel like fighting her on it and getting on her bad side. Besides, it'll be better for both Brendan and myself with me out of there. The thing that sucks though is that I'm so far away from everything. I'm at least 30 minutes away from work, church, friends and my sunday night group. That's going to be a lot of gas and miles on my car. Oh well. I'm not planning on staying here more than a couple months. As soon as I can afford to get out of here, I'm gone. It's not that I don't love my grandparents. It's just that I hate the idea of having to live under someone's thumb. They don't understand me much because I'm so different than everyone else in the family.

I need to sit down and sort out my financial problems. I hate money. It causes too many issues. I have multiple verizon bills to pay, internet and cable bills, figure out car insurance, pay off friends and family.... etc... I hate money.