A different kind of love

Last night was most interesting. Brendan came by to drop off a few items of mine that had found their way lost in his house. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had no clue if it was going to be awkward or not.

I spent the entire day with an anxiety knot built up in my stomach. I'm not sure what about Brendan coming over made me feel so anxious. Maybe it was the uncomfortableness of a broken relationship colliding together for a moment. Maybe it was the act of him bringing over the last of my things. Maybe it was the awkward silence that was bound to make it's way into the room. Maybe it was some of the residual feelings that I still feel for him. Whatever it was; it had me feeling bound and sickly for the remainder of the day.

I think I had to remind myself to breathe a couple times as I waited for him to show up. Finally he did. We managed to talk a little with only a few small bouts of awkward silence. Mainly we just discussed what's been going on in our lives which served as a distraction to block my mind from resorting back to that night where we broke things off and the hurt I felt. I probably should have just grabbed my things and showed him to the door, but a huge part of me was really curious to know how he's been since I still do genuinely care about him.

Finally the moment came for him to go and we said our goodbyes. He shuffled out the door and a minute later I heard the familiar sound of his jeep starting up and rolling away.

I'd like to think that one day he and I can maybe be friends. Time will tell. I'm glad that we can at least be adults about it. One thing this visit did was help me to clarify the thoughts that I had been reasoning in my mind for a while now; that I no longer desire a relationship with him. Sure I still love him. I don't think that will diminish anytime soon, if ever. A part of me will probably always love him to a degree, but that love has already begun the process of dwindling into a very different kind of love.

I know God has someone out there planned for me. I don't believe in "the one" so to speak, but I do believe that there is a person who would be better suited with me.

A new me; a change I can be proud of

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written in here. An awful lot has changed and I'm no longer the person I was when I last posted.

Brendan and I broke up back in June. I have to say it was the worst best thing that could have ever happened to me. I absolutely still love him, but my love for him has changed into a different kind of love. I can't say that when I see him I don't still feel all jittery inside, but I've changed so much that I can resist giving into the butterflies and letting them control my actions.

I was lost. I'm now found. I was broken. I am mending. God is responsible for this change in me for he has completely touched my heart and rocked my world. I needed this breakup with Brendan. As much as I feel for him and as much as I didn't want to break up; I needed this opportunity to take a step back and evaluate my life. I was exhausting myself running from God. I was exhausting myself giving in to my own fleshly desires. I was exhausting myself thinking I could do it on my own.

Back in August, a friend of mine invited me to Elevation. Elevation is an evening church service on Sundays that's mainly built up of young adults. I had been struggling with my past a few weeks prior. My past and the pain from it had been my primary focus for a while and I was constantly submerging myself back into that past in attempt to drown myself in the sorrow; in my own self calamity.

My very first night at Elevation was the beginning; the beginning of a new me; a girl who desired a true and deep relationship with God. The topic that night? Dealing with your past and learning to let go and let God. It gives me chills still to this day when I think back to that night. I was in tears, but I tried to hide them so that my friend wouldn't notice I was crying. I was touched. I feel like my eyes were opened finally.

Since then I made the decision to be baptized and did so in the Potomac river. That was an experience I will not EVER forget. I've also made many MANY new friends through Elevation. I love everyone there so much. They're amazing people and they really do have hearts on fire for God.

I pray for Brendan all the time. He doesn't know this. I haven't told him and probably wont. I know he doesn't read my blogs so I don't mind mentioning it here and if he does decide by some miracle to read them then well... maybe he wont mind that I pray for him. I don't see him often enough now to know where he is at with God, but I do know where he was at during our relationship and around the time we broke up. I pray that someday he'll completely surrender himself to God, reach out to God and desire a relationship with God. I'm not hoping that Brendan will grow closer to God so that we could possibly have a relationship together again or anything. I honestly don't think I could date him again. But... I still care about him and I still desire for him to have a closer relationship with God.

Taken from a strand of time

Wow... it seems as if I've almost given up blogging. Unfortunatly in a place where time never stands still; I find myself falling behind in the recording of my journeys. Every single day is a new adventure and I yearn to taste it. Some days are pretty shitty while others have me bursting into ecstatic mode like a shaken soda can. Each day holds something new whether I'm ready for it or not. I just have to buckle up my boots, stand up and face it.



A lot has been going on though there's no need for a novel of description. Just know that recent discoveries have pushed me to re-evaluate some of the friendships I've treasured in the past and some of the failed friendships that were never destined for success anyways. Am I upset? A little. Still, there's no reason for me to allow any such drama to destroy who I am. I allowed myself to burn inside over this whole situation for a bit, but I've now realized that the individual in question is not worth me getting upset over. Life is too short to dwell over that which really cannot be changed. You just keep on in forward motion and hope that you'll eventually find some sort of steady ground. I feel that I am strong enough inside to overcome any storm that blows my way. Still, sometimes I must remind myself of this inner strength at times when I feel most weak.



My life almost seems to have hit a dead halt at this present time. It's a temporary halt, but still a halt all the same. I've been thinking so much about goals I've yet to reach and how I can do so. My plan is that unless there are huge life proposals to be made in the near future that alter or delay my current direction; I will be looking to excercise my want to move to the Outer Banks much sooner. Once this entire car accident situation is completely sorted out then I'm going to sit down and plan my budget and pay the car off quicker if at all possible. Please don't waste time lecturing me about moving when I currently have a debt to pay. I can assure you that my car will be paid off before I make any such rash decision to move. We'll see how the course of life and relationships flow this year and my decision will be made accordingly. Still, regardless of any changes that come up I hope to move to the Outer Banks at some point in the next few years.

Here comes yet another new year

Here we are at the rise of a new year. As always I choose to begin the new year with a resolution or some sort of goal that I intend to meet that year. It's not that January 1st should be the only time for setting goals... but the beginning of a new year is symbolistic in that it signifies a fresh start. With that fresh start comes opportunities to achieve your goals, try new things, whatever takes a bite of your cake I say.
Anyways, I've decided to start this new year off with a few goals. One of which was to move. Yes I know, I move more often then anyone I know. I think it's in part because I have a hard time finding a place to call home, but of course I have my other reasons. I've given my 30 day notice and I'm packing up again. I really liked the family I was living with, but that's the thing. I was living with a family and in a family-like setting. I really need to be living in a more roommate situation with people my own age and I'd really like to be able to pay less rent and get started working towards my future career as a dog behavioral specialist/trainer. That is my so called New Year's Resolution as some would put it. Though it is of my opinion that goals and resolutions shouldn't be limited to only being made at the breaking of a New Year.
I do want to start this year with a clean slate. I have goals. I have passion hobbies that I want to take advantage of now while I'm still young and have all the time in the world to do so. I have ideas that I want to flirt with to see what I can mold the thoughts into. There's so much I want to accomplish this year... and not only this year, but every year from this point forward. Every moment I want to spend working hard to achieve the passions I have in life.
One thing I run into is that I have so many passions. Anyone who knows me knows this. I'm a complete dreamer. I'd like to think it secretly runs in the family, but no one else chooses to admit that they too dream. I ride horses. I kayak. I draw. I paint. I write. I photograph. I love working with dogs. Agility. I love to camp. I love to hike. So many passions that I don't know where to start. The fact that I'm good at many things reminds me of something my Grandpa used to always say to us kids before he passed on. It is better to be good at many things then to be great at just one. Those words will escort me and stick by my side for the remainder of my life.
Anyways... there's my little unfinished tid bit for the day. I really have to get back to work. Way too much to catch up on after the holidays. I want to wish everyone a happy new year. Challenge yourselves this year. Meet a goal. Love a little and laugh a lot. I love you all!

Updates

Wow, it's been a while since I've actually thought about writing. So much of my life has just shot past me and I haven't had a moment to stop and record these day to day adventures.

Brendan and I took a trip to New Mexico. It was his first time in a plane and he loved it. He met my mother, step-dad and brother, my aunt and cousin Akayla. He met my friends. He saw my old house. He got to catch a glimpse of the enchantment New Mexico holds. This was my chance to show him a piece of me that he hadn't known until this trip. My past lies over the desert mesas like a napping blanket. This was my chance to share with him why I am who I am. I wish we could have stayed longer. There's still so much he has to see out there.

Goober is getting really big. When I found this little kitten he was small enough to hold in the palm of my hand. He's growing fast. Where has time gone? I feel like I blinked my eye's for one moment and in that moment I shot through a time warp into the future days. All of a sudden he was not a little kitten anymore.

I'm really attached to him. He is my life. Now, I love Brendan, but if I ever had to choose between him and Goober... I think I would have to choose Goober, lol. He's such a little cuddle bunny. He will make me carry him around with me everywhere I go. He loves it. He's the most sociable cat you will ever meet. Goob is learning some new tricks too. He already knows sit. He's working on stay right now. Soon I'll have him rolling over, high-fiving me and playing dead. He absolutely loves learning new things. He's very alert when I pull out the treats and the clicker.

Work is going well. I definitely plan on staying here a little while longer. I don't intend to make BAI my career though. I've decided I'm going to seek after my certification to be a professional dog trainer. I'd like to focus more along the lines of behavioral assessment issues such as digging, biting, fear aggression, dog aggression, human aggression, etc etc. I plan on creating a seperate blog to record my journey down that path.

Web of Dismay

Why am I allowing myself to be so frustrated today? This chair at work is annoyingly squeaky and every time the phone rings I want to strangle the person on the other line. Oh what joy it would be to be able to pick up the phone and chuck it at the wall adjacent to my desk. The continual frustrations bite at me like a rabid bat; a bat that I can't seem to shake myself of.

Last Sunday at group, Tanya taught a lesson on James 3. The majority of the chapter speaks of taming the tongue and trying to control your anger. You would think that after the lesson I would try harder. Instead I find myself more frustrated and angry than I was to begin with. Maybe it's because I spend so much time bondaging these frustrations up inside me without making attempt to resolve the problems.

It's times like these that I find myself hiding in the shadows waiting for the passing of the storms. Still, though I trap these feelings inside, afraid to unleash them at the situations the frustrations have been born from; I allow them to leak out at the persons (or one person in particular) who I truly would rather not place my burdens upon. He has suffered enough of my venting and I try so hard to spare him my troubles, but in the end I don't realize that I've placed them on his shoulders once again until it's too late and I've already created damage. I just hope that he will forgive me and continue to stand by as I go through this temporary rough time. I appreciate him so much for being there for me. I wish he understood exactly just how much I appreciate it. Words would not be fit enough to prove that though as my appreciation is so much more than words tell.

Another problem I find myself faced with is that I worry too much. A friend once told me that there is no profit in worry. It's been some of the best advice I've received though I haven't done much in way of mastering the art of not worrying. Another friend recently told me that he thinks of worry as being almost that of sin because when you worry you show your lack of faith in God. That's what I'm doing; showing my lack of faith. I wish I had more faith. I want to have more faith. I really do. I just allow everything that bothers me to get in the way of stuff that should hold higher priority in my life.

I have about a million problems running circles in my mind right now, but I'll spare you the details. It's not something I'd like to bring about. I'd much rather avoid the sympathy and/or arguments that could be birthed from them. I will say however that I'm not going to be the person who becomes highly depressed and sits around doing absolutely nothing about it. Sure, I get depressed just the same as anyone else would who finds their self trapped in a web of troubles and dismay. However, it's not something that I will allow to take control over who I am. I'm stronger than that. Whether you see it or not makes no difference to me because I know who I am and I know that I will pull through any storm that comes my way. It may not be an easy task, but I can do it. I know I can.

Just when you think you've figured it out

Yesterday was one of those days where I feel completely lost and upset. I feel like a spectator in my own life. There's a film playing right before me. I can't interact with the film or manipulate it into something else. I can't do anything except sit and watch. I watch as so many people fall apart around me. They drown in the misery they've been cursed with and I want so bad to reach down and pull them to safety. I can't. I know I can't. I think maybe that's what destroys me the most inside. It's that knowing that I can't save them that kills a bit of me every day.

I know that I need to begin by working on my own being first. I find myself trapped in this web of life. It holds me captive. I can't pull my hand free to escape from the hauntings of the world. Sometimes I try to reach into my dreams in hopes that I can remain in the fantasy I've created within. Instead, I'm faced with the reality of today's society continually molesting it's way into my mind. The wants of this world push you into a state of confusion; torn between what's wrong and what's right in the eyes of God. Breaking free of this bondage I've created for myself is proving to be somewhat of an unyielding task. I know I can do it. It's doing it that is the complication.

So why are we people so fascinated with what is forbidden? Why do we jump at the temptations that crawl deep into our nostrils? Why is it that when you know something is wrong in God's eyes, you continue to act on it over and over again? Is it because the world views these temptations as acceptable and alluring that we continue to dip and bathe in the pleasures of our flesh? I speak these words not to preach, but to myself as I have found myself consistently seduced by the wants of my own flesh and unable to pull away from it. The desire for it to continue is so strong. Does that desire outweigh my desire for a relationship with God? My priorities have been twisted and bent it would seem.

I have a lot on my mind as usual. My head is forever spinning. Anyone who truly knows me would attest to that. There is much to learn; much to figure out. I'm young. There are still many years I have left to place my mark in. I'm forever in a journey. Some days it is rather mundane. Other days, it's fascinating. Some days it's terrifying. Other days, it's joyous. Each day has it's own role to play in my life and yours. I think that we are each meant to understand one big thing in life. Every day we live is just another step towards that understanding. Some days we find God. Other days we run from him. We yo-yo ourselves in confusion, always searching for that which has been standing before us the whole time. Does anyone else find themselves in these stages of yo-yo-ing? I'd really like to hear some input.

until next time...