Here comes yet another new year

Here we are at the rise of a new year. As always I choose to begin the new year with a resolution or some sort of goal that I intend to meet that year. It's not that January 1st should be the only time for setting goals... but the beginning of a new year is symbolistic in that it signifies a fresh start. With that fresh start comes opportunities to achieve your goals, try new things, whatever takes a bite of your cake I say.
Anyways, I've decided to start this new year off with a few goals. One of which was to move. Yes I know, I move more often then anyone I know. I think it's in part because I have a hard time finding a place to call home, but of course I have my other reasons. I've given my 30 day notice and I'm packing up again. I really liked the family I was living with, but that's the thing. I was living with a family and in a family-like setting. I really need to be living in a more roommate situation with people my own age and I'd really like to be able to pay less rent and get started working towards my future career as a dog behavioral specialist/trainer. That is my so called New Year's Resolution as some would put it. Though it is of my opinion that goals and resolutions shouldn't be limited to only being made at the breaking of a New Year.
I do want to start this year with a clean slate. I have goals. I have passion hobbies that I want to take advantage of now while I'm still young and have all the time in the world to do so. I have ideas that I want to flirt with to see what I can mold the thoughts into. There's so much I want to accomplish this year... and not only this year, but every year from this point forward. Every moment I want to spend working hard to achieve the passions I have in life.
One thing I run into is that I have so many passions. Anyone who knows me knows this. I'm a complete dreamer. I'd like to think it secretly runs in the family, but no one else chooses to admit that they too dream. I ride horses. I kayak. I draw. I paint. I write. I photograph. I love working with dogs. Agility. I love to camp. I love to hike. So many passions that I don't know where to start. The fact that I'm good at many things reminds me of something my Grandpa used to always say to us kids before he passed on. It is better to be good at many things then to be great at just one. Those words will escort me and stick by my side for the remainder of my life.
Anyways... there's my little unfinished tid bit for the day. I really have to get back to work. Way too much to catch up on after the holidays. I want to wish everyone a happy new year. Challenge yourselves this year. Meet a goal. Love a little and laugh a lot. I love you all!

Updates

Wow, it's been a while since I've actually thought about writing. So much of my life has just shot past me and I haven't had a moment to stop and record these day to day adventures.

Brendan and I took a trip to New Mexico. It was his first time in a plane and he loved it. He met my mother, step-dad and brother, my aunt and cousin Akayla. He met my friends. He saw my old house. He got to catch a glimpse of the enchantment New Mexico holds. This was my chance to show him a piece of me that he hadn't known until this trip. My past lies over the desert mesas like a napping blanket. This was my chance to share with him why I am who I am. I wish we could have stayed longer. There's still so much he has to see out there.

Goober is getting really big. When I found this little kitten he was small enough to hold in the palm of my hand. He's growing fast. Where has time gone? I feel like I blinked my eye's for one moment and in that moment I shot through a time warp into the future days. All of a sudden he was not a little kitten anymore.

I'm really attached to him. He is my life. Now, I love Brendan, but if I ever had to choose between him and Goober... I think I would have to choose Goober, lol. He's such a little cuddle bunny. He will make me carry him around with me everywhere I go. He loves it. He's the most sociable cat you will ever meet. Goob is learning some new tricks too. He already knows sit. He's working on stay right now. Soon I'll have him rolling over, high-fiving me and playing dead. He absolutely loves learning new things. He's very alert when I pull out the treats and the clicker.

Work is going well. I definitely plan on staying here a little while longer. I don't intend to make BAI my career though. I've decided I'm going to seek after my certification to be a professional dog trainer. I'd like to focus more along the lines of behavioral assessment issues such as digging, biting, fear aggression, dog aggression, human aggression, etc etc. I plan on creating a seperate blog to record my journey down that path.

Web of Dismay

Why am I allowing myself to be so frustrated today? This chair at work is annoyingly squeaky and every time the phone rings I want to strangle the person on the other line. Oh what joy it would be to be able to pick up the phone and chuck it at the wall adjacent to my desk. The continual frustrations bite at me like a rabid bat; a bat that I can't seem to shake myself of.

Last Sunday at group, Tanya taught a lesson on James 3. The majority of the chapter speaks of taming the tongue and trying to control your anger. You would think that after the lesson I would try harder. Instead I find myself more frustrated and angry than I was to begin with. Maybe it's because I spend so much time bondaging these frustrations up inside me without making attempt to resolve the problems.

It's times like these that I find myself hiding in the shadows waiting for the passing of the storms. Still, though I trap these feelings inside, afraid to unleash them at the situations the frustrations have been born from; I allow them to leak out at the persons (or one person in particular) who I truly would rather not place my burdens upon. He has suffered enough of my venting and I try so hard to spare him my troubles, but in the end I don't realize that I've placed them on his shoulders once again until it's too late and I've already created damage. I just hope that he will forgive me and continue to stand by as I go through this temporary rough time. I appreciate him so much for being there for me. I wish he understood exactly just how much I appreciate it. Words would not be fit enough to prove that though as my appreciation is so much more than words tell.

Another problem I find myself faced with is that I worry too much. A friend once told me that there is no profit in worry. It's been some of the best advice I've received though I haven't done much in way of mastering the art of not worrying. Another friend recently told me that he thinks of worry as being almost that of sin because when you worry you show your lack of faith in God. That's what I'm doing; showing my lack of faith. I wish I had more faith. I want to have more faith. I really do. I just allow everything that bothers me to get in the way of stuff that should hold higher priority in my life.

I have about a million problems running circles in my mind right now, but I'll spare you the details. It's not something I'd like to bring about. I'd much rather avoid the sympathy and/or arguments that could be birthed from them. I will say however that I'm not going to be the person who becomes highly depressed and sits around doing absolutely nothing about it. Sure, I get depressed just the same as anyone else would who finds their self trapped in a web of troubles and dismay. However, it's not something that I will allow to take control over who I am. I'm stronger than that. Whether you see it or not makes no difference to me because I know who I am and I know that I will pull through any storm that comes my way. It may not be an easy task, but I can do it. I know I can.

Just when you think you've figured it out

Yesterday was one of those days where I feel completely lost and upset. I feel like a spectator in my own life. There's a film playing right before me. I can't interact with the film or manipulate it into something else. I can't do anything except sit and watch. I watch as so many people fall apart around me. They drown in the misery they've been cursed with and I want so bad to reach down and pull them to safety. I can't. I know I can't. I think maybe that's what destroys me the most inside. It's that knowing that I can't save them that kills a bit of me every day.

I know that I need to begin by working on my own being first. I find myself trapped in this web of life. It holds me captive. I can't pull my hand free to escape from the hauntings of the world. Sometimes I try to reach into my dreams in hopes that I can remain in the fantasy I've created within. Instead, I'm faced with the reality of today's society continually molesting it's way into my mind. The wants of this world push you into a state of confusion; torn between what's wrong and what's right in the eyes of God. Breaking free of this bondage I've created for myself is proving to be somewhat of an unyielding task. I know I can do it. It's doing it that is the complication.

So why are we people so fascinated with what is forbidden? Why do we jump at the temptations that crawl deep into our nostrils? Why is it that when you know something is wrong in God's eyes, you continue to act on it over and over again? Is it because the world views these temptations as acceptable and alluring that we continue to dip and bathe in the pleasures of our flesh? I speak these words not to preach, but to myself as I have found myself consistently seduced by the wants of my own flesh and unable to pull away from it. The desire for it to continue is so strong. Does that desire outweigh my desire for a relationship with God? My priorities have been twisted and bent it would seem.

I have a lot on my mind as usual. My head is forever spinning. Anyone who truly knows me would attest to that. There is much to learn; much to figure out. I'm young. There are still many years I have left to place my mark in. I'm forever in a journey. Some days it is rather mundane. Other days, it's fascinating. Some days it's terrifying. Other days, it's joyous. Each day has it's own role to play in my life and yours. I think that we are each meant to understand one big thing in life. Every day we live is just another step towards that understanding. Some days we find God. Other days we run from him. We yo-yo ourselves in confusion, always searching for that which has been standing before us the whole time. Does anyone else find themselves in these stages of yo-yo-ing? I'd really like to hear some input.

until next time...

When the fields turn gray and the sun has gone to sleep

Life is like a tornado. Once you get caught up in it, you just spin round and round. You never know what you're going to hit along the way. I'm just a consisitent whirl, spinning out of control. Some things are going well. Other things I could certainly do without. You have to learn to take the bad with the good though.

I have a new kitten. I found him in a dumpster and named him Goober. With this recent addition in my life comes a multitude of arguments however. Some of my family are not in agreement with my decision to keep him. I'm making this decision as an adult. They could never fully understand and it is not my intention to try and make them understand. I need to do what I feel is best for me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I know that in doing so, it means that I need to find a new place to live since my grandparents do not want a cat in their house. It's ok since I had previously made my mind up that I was going to work on moving out of my grandparent's house and get back out on my own. Goober is just the little motivation I really needed to push me that step forward.

I've been searching for a place to live. I know I'm making progress and it's a matter of time before I find a place that seems to suit Goober and myself. My grandma has given me two months to find a place to live and it's frustrating at times because I find myself caught up in the worry that I wont find a place in due time. I know that I need to stomp those worries out of my life though and just press on with the affirmation that I can indeed do it.

The new job seems to be going well. I got a job at Burk & Associates and I really like it so far. It's a little different. I've never been one to really jump at the chance to have an office job. However, I think for now it will be just what I need. The money is definitely a lot better than what I had been seeing from Red Robin. I'm finally moving myself forward in life. I'm putting myself out there to gear towards the sucess that I so desperately desire.

My mom told me she has to put my dog, Cheyanne, to sleep. I'm really bummed because that dog has been a best friend to me for so many glorious years. When I moved to New Mexico and had absolutely no friends, it was Chey that stood by my side. She was such an amazing dog and I know that I'm really going to miss her. I'm losing a best friend to the world... but she will always remain in my heart, always.

Things with Brendan are going really well this time around so far. He made his mind up about the coast guard. He's been thinking about it for a long time now and finally made the decision to join. It's going to be rough. I know it isn't going to be an easy thing for us to go through in our relationship. Trying to maintain a relationship on a long distance term is one of the hardest things for couples and a huge test in the relationship's strength and sucess. I'm excited for him though. When he first started thinking about it way back when... it scared me so much. It still scares me. However... I'm looking at it all in a different light this time around. I know that things are going to be hard. However, I'm willing to walk through it all with him. I'm willing to stick this one out. I have a few things I'm really worried about... but Devon says that there is no profit in worry. It doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good... so I'm trying not to have those worries chipping away on my shoulders. I'm starting to think that this Coast Guard thing might be a really good idea. It would help him to really grow into the man I know he's destined to be and in a way, it may prove to be a really positive thing in our relationship. They say that "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." We are being blessed with the opportunity to prove that theory. It may be what we need to help strengthen our relationship.

In fact, being apart may be what I need to help myself grow in my relationship with God. I know I want to see Brendan grow as well, but I can't be the decider of that. Only he can make the decision as to when he's going to put his two feet forward and walk towards the cross. I really want to strengthen my relationship with God and that time alone may prove necessary for that needed spiritual growth. I talked a lot with my friend Tim about it the other day. He said that when Devon would bug him about church and God it would just make him irritated with her and not want anything to do with it. It wasn't until she stopped bugging him about it and worked on her own relationship with God that he realized he needed to make a choice. He could either move towards God and still be able to keep Devon, or he'd have to choose the life he had and in doing so lose her. He was faced with that choice ultimately and in the end chose God. He told me that the best thing for me to do is to just continue to try and work on my own self and not push Brendan, but pray instead.

Well, I'm going to end this entry for now. It's been real, but I need to get something to eat. I'm kinda starving.

... until next time...

The end of old and a new beginning

I put in my two weeks notice at Red Robin. My last day is this coming Friday. I'm looking forward to being done with that place. I'm looking forward to moving forward with my life. I'm almost 21 years old. I'm not getting any younger. I need to start doing something worthwhile for once.

I can't wait to see what the future brings for me. I'm excited to see what twists and turns I go through and what adventures I'm set sailing into. There's so much to be had and I'm going to experience all that I can. I can't wait.

Anyways... Normally these entries are longer, but I don't feel like writing much today. So, I'll go ahead and end this for now.

Scrambled minds anyone?

I finally made my decision.

I really liked Cory. I still do. He's a great guy. He honestly is. I can't hide from my heart though. I can't hide from the truth. I'm still so in love with Brendan. I wanted to make sure that this love is real and not just a little dust left over from the past. It's real. Telling Cory that was the hardest thing I've had to do. How do you tell someone that hasn't done anything wrong that you can't have a relationship with them? It sounds like it should be simple, but it just isn't.

I just have to follow where my heart is leading me and hope that it's pulling me in the right direction. I've got to learn to trust God in this situation too since that's an area I seem to be lacking in.

I'm really looking forward to finding my niche in life. I'm really looking forward towards discovering my purpose. I'm really looking forward to chasing after my dreams as they scramble in every direction. I want to run in the rain and spin circles in it like I did when I was a kid. Why shouldn't I? Sometimes you have to find the inner child in you so as to stall the process of growing up. Sometimes you need that spark to keep your heart alive. I'm going off topic completely, but I'm just writing everything as I think it. Doesn't matter if it makes complete sense or not I imagine.

There's so much more I wish to write, but as it stands right now... I can't. So I will end this for now.