Web of Dismay

Why am I allowing myself to be so frustrated today? This chair at work is annoyingly squeaky and every time the phone rings I want to strangle the person on the other line. Oh what joy it would be to be able to pick up the phone and chuck it at the wall adjacent to my desk. The continual frustrations bite at me like a rabid bat; a bat that I can't seem to shake myself of.

Last Sunday at group, Tanya taught a lesson on James 3. The majority of the chapter speaks of taming the tongue and trying to control your anger. You would think that after the lesson I would try harder. Instead I find myself more frustrated and angry than I was to begin with. Maybe it's because I spend so much time bondaging these frustrations up inside me without making attempt to resolve the problems.

It's times like these that I find myself hiding in the shadows waiting for the passing of the storms. Still, though I trap these feelings inside, afraid to unleash them at the situations the frustrations have been born from; I allow them to leak out at the persons (or one person in particular) who I truly would rather not place my burdens upon. He has suffered enough of my venting and I try so hard to spare him my troubles, but in the end I don't realize that I've placed them on his shoulders once again until it's too late and I've already created damage. I just hope that he will forgive me and continue to stand by as I go through this temporary rough time. I appreciate him so much for being there for me. I wish he understood exactly just how much I appreciate it. Words would not be fit enough to prove that though as my appreciation is so much more than words tell.

Another problem I find myself faced with is that I worry too much. A friend once told me that there is no profit in worry. It's been some of the best advice I've received though I haven't done much in way of mastering the art of not worrying. Another friend recently told me that he thinks of worry as being almost that of sin because when you worry you show your lack of faith in God. That's what I'm doing; showing my lack of faith. I wish I had more faith. I want to have more faith. I really do. I just allow everything that bothers me to get in the way of stuff that should hold higher priority in my life.

I have about a million problems running circles in my mind right now, but I'll spare you the details. It's not something I'd like to bring about. I'd much rather avoid the sympathy and/or arguments that could be birthed from them. I will say however that I'm not going to be the person who becomes highly depressed and sits around doing absolutely nothing about it. Sure, I get depressed just the same as anyone else would who finds their self trapped in a web of troubles and dismay. However, it's not something that I will allow to take control over who I am. I'm stronger than that. Whether you see it or not makes no difference to me because I know who I am and I know that I will pull through any storm that comes my way. It may not be an easy task, but I can do it. I know I can.

Just when you think you've figured it out

Yesterday was one of those days where I feel completely lost and upset. I feel like a spectator in my own life. There's a film playing right before me. I can't interact with the film or manipulate it into something else. I can't do anything except sit and watch. I watch as so many people fall apart around me. They drown in the misery they've been cursed with and I want so bad to reach down and pull them to safety. I can't. I know I can't. I think maybe that's what destroys me the most inside. It's that knowing that I can't save them that kills a bit of me every day.

I know that I need to begin by working on my own being first. I find myself trapped in this web of life. It holds me captive. I can't pull my hand free to escape from the hauntings of the world. Sometimes I try to reach into my dreams in hopes that I can remain in the fantasy I've created within. Instead, I'm faced with the reality of today's society continually molesting it's way into my mind. The wants of this world push you into a state of confusion; torn between what's wrong and what's right in the eyes of God. Breaking free of this bondage I've created for myself is proving to be somewhat of an unyielding task. I know I can do it. It's doing it that is the complication.

So why are we people so fascinated with what is forbidden? Why do we jump at the temptations that crawl deep into our nostrils? Why is it that when you know something is wrong in God's eyes, you continue to act on it over and over again? Is it because the world views these temptations as acceptable and alluring that we continue to dip and bathe in the pleasures of our flesh? I speak these words not to preach, but to myself as I have found myself consistently seduced by the wants of my own flesh and unable to pull away from it. The desire for it to continue is so strong. Does that desire outweigh my desire for a relationship with God? My priorities have been twisted and bent it would seem.

I have a lot on my mind as usual. My head is forever spinning. Anyone who truly knows me would attest to that. There is much to learn; much to figure out. I'm young. There are still many years I have left to place my mark in. I'm forever in a journey. Some days it is rather mundane. Other days, it's fascinating. Some days it's terrifying. Other days, it's joyous. Each day has it's own role to play in my life and yours. I think that we are each meant to understand one big thing in life. Every day we live is just another step towards that understanding. Some days we find God. Other days we run from him. We yo-yo ourselves in confusion, always searching for that which has been standing before us the whole time. Does anyone else find themselves in these stages of yo-yo-ing? I'd really like to hear some input.

until next time...

When the fields turn gray and the sun has gone to sleep

Life is like a tornado. Once you get caught up in it, you just spin round and round. You never know what you're going to hit along the way. I'm just a consisitent whirl, spinning out of control. Some things are going well. Other things I could certainly do without. You have to learn to take the bad with the good though.

I have a new kitten. I found him in a dumpster and named him Goober. With this recent addition in my life comes a multitude of arguments however. Some of my family are not in agreement with my decision to keep him. I'm making this decision as an adult. They could never fully understand and it is not my intention to try and make them understand. I need to do what I feel is best for me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I know that in doing so, it means that I need to find a new place to live since my grandparents do not want a cat in their house. It's ok since I had previously made my mind up that I was going to work on moving out of my grandparent's house and get back out on my own. Goober is just the little motivation I really needed to push me that step forward.

I've been searching for a place to live. I know I'm making progress and it's a matter of time before I find a place that seems to suit Goober and myself. My grandma has given me two months to find a place to live and it's frustrating at times because I find myself caught up in the worry that I wont find a place in due time. I know that I need to stomp those worries out of my life though and just press on with the affirmation that I can indeed do it.

The new job seems to be going well. I got a job at Burk & Associates and I really like it so far. It's a little different. I've never been one to really jump at the chance to have an office job. However, I think for now it will be just what I need. The money is definitely a lot better than what I had been seeing from Red Robin. I'm finally moving myself forward in life. I'm putting myself out there to gear towards the sucess that I so desperately desire.

My mom told me she has to put my dog, Cheyanne, to sleep. I'm really bummed because that dog has been a best friend to me for so many glorious years. When I moved to New Mexico and had absolutely no friends, it was Chey that stood by my side. She was such an amazing dog and I know that I'm really going to miss her. I'm losing a best friend to the world... but she will always remain in my heart, always.

Things with Brendan are going really well this time around so far. He made his mind up about the coast guard. He's been thinking about it for a long time now and finally made the decision to join. It's going to be rough. I know it isn't going to be an easy thing for us to go through in our relationship. Trying to maintain a relationship on a long distance term is one of the hardest things for couples and a huge test in the relationship's strength and sucess. I'm excited for him though. When he first started thinking about it way back when... it scared me so much. It still scares me. However... I'm looking at it all in a different light this time around. I know that things are going to be hard. However, I'm willing to walk through it all with him. I'm willing to stick this one out. I have a few things I'm really worried about... but Devon says that there is no profit in worry. It doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good... so I'm trying not to have those worries chipping away on my shoulders. I'm starting to think that this Coast Guard thing might be a really good idea. It would help him to really grow into the man I know he's destined to be and in a way, it may prove to be a really positive thing in our relationship. They say that "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." We are being blessed with the opportunity to prove that theory. It may be what we need to help strengthen our relationship.

In fact, being apart may be what I need to help myself grow in my relationship with God. I know I want to see Brendan grow as well, but I can't be the decider of that. Only he can make the decision as to when he's going to put his two feet forward and walk towards the cross. I really want to strengthen my relationship with God and that time alone may prove necessary for that needed spiritual growth. I talked a lot with my friend Tim about it the other day. He said that when Devon would bug him about church and God it would just make him irritated with her and not want anything to do with it. It wasn't until she stopped bugging him about it and worked on her own relationship with God that he realized he needed to make a choice. He could either move towards God and still be able to keep Devon, or he'd have to choose the life he had and in doing so lose her. He was faced with that choice ultimately and in the end chose God. He told me that the best thing for me to do is to just continue to try and work on my own self and not push Brendan, but pray instead.

Well, I'm going to end this entry for now. It's been real, but I need to get something to eat. I'm kinda starving.

... until next time...

The end of old and a new beginning

I put in my two weeks notice at Red Robin. My last day is this coming Friday. I'm looking forward to being done with that place. I'm looking forward to moving forward with my life. I'm almost 21 years old. I'm not getting any younger. I need to start doing something worthwhile for once.

I can't wait to see what the future brings for me. I'm excited to see what twists and turns I go through and what adventures I'm set sailing into. There's so much to be had and I'm going to experience all that I can. I can't wait.

Anyways... Normally these entries are longer, but I don't feel like writing much today. So, I'll go ahead and end this for now.

Scrambled minds anyone?

I finally made my decision.

I really liked Cory. I still do. He's a great guy. He honestly is. I can't hide from my heart though. I can't hide from the truth. I'm still so in love with Brendan. I wanted to make sure that this love is real and not just a little dust left over from the past. It's real. Telling Cory that was the hardest thing I've had to do. How do you tell someone that hasn't done anything wrong that you can't have a relationship with them? It sounds like it should be simple, but it just isn't.

I just have to follow where my heart is leading me and hope that it's pulling me in the right direction. I've got to learn to trust God in this situation too since that's an area I seem to be lacking in.

I'm really looking forward to finding my niche in life. I'm really looking forward towards discovering my purpose. I'm really looking forward to chasing after my dreams as they scramble in every direction. I want to run in the rain and spin circles in it like I did when I was a kid. Why shouldn't I? Sometimes you have to find the inner child in you so as to stall the process of growing up. Sometimes you need that spark to keep your heart alive. I'm going off topic completely, but I'm just writing everything as I think it. Doesn't matter if it makes complete sense or not I imagine.

There's so much more I wish to write, but as it stands right now... I can't. So I will end this for now.

Aspire to believe, Aspire to achieve

They say there is power in the brokeness. I've prayed the broken prayer. I asked God to break me for him. I need it. It's come down to this; I've fallen too far and need God to break me inside and mold me to be who he wants me to be. I know what I'm getting myself into. Everyone tells me that if you pray the broken prayer that you better prepare for it to not in any way be easy. I understand. I know. I need it. I need God back in my life. I've been running away from him for far too long and I need to stop, take a breath, turn around and run back to him. I can't do this without him. I need God in my life. I've screwed up so much on my own... thinking I could do it myself. I know that I was in the wrong. I've needed God this whole time. I just need to stand strong and truly seek after him. I need to not just say that I need to do it, but actually get up and do it. God is the only one who can help me stitch together this tapestry I call life.

Sometimes I'm a good writer. However, it seems that so many times when I'm in my deepest emotions, I just can't think of the words to write. It drives me crazy. I still have so much on my mind and no clue how to sort it out. Why is this? It leaves me weary and more confused than when I started. It's like I said in my last post. I'm a hamster running around on this wheel and when I stop I realize that I'm right where I was when I innitially began. All that effort was put forth with nothing achieved. I just don't get it. Can anyone else explain this to me? Do I make any sense? Probably not... but then that's how life goes I guess. We can't always have explanations for everything. Our brains would be mush because we wouldn't have to try to sort out problems and put the puzzles in life together.

There's been a lot going on in recent days. The Virginia Tech shooting took place on 4/16/2007. It was a sad day for all of us in mourning. Of the victims there was one who I kinda knew. We weren't friends or anything, but she was friends with some of my friends and I knew her a little through them. She seemed really nice. I can't believe that someone like her with so much talent and beauty was lost in the Virginia Tech massacre. It's still unfathomable to think that her and so many other upcoming individuals were killed. We all put aside our own today and remember these lost hokies for today we are ALL Hokies.

Still the question I hear a lot right now is "Where was God in the VT shooting?" I might have pondered on the same question for a moment or two myself. One answer I heard told really touched me; God was right there standing with the rest of us in mourning. With every shot fired he shed a tear. God gave Cho free will just like he gave all of us free will. Cho made the choice to kill these innocent people and then take his own life. He made the choice. God isn't responsible for our actions. Still... God was saddened by the choice Cho chose to make. His candle shown brighter than the rest in the millions of candlelight vigils that took place all over the world in memory of the victims. I hope that all who read this will truly see that God was there the whole time. He hasn't and never will leave our sides. The real question isn't where God was or why he allowed this to happen. The real question is what are we going to do about it? Where and Why lead us to nothing... but what we're going to do about it leads us on a path to determine a plan of action in this case.

One thing that I've been reminded through this tragedy is that life is short. We don't know what tomorrow brings. We can be here one moment and gone the next. We don't know when our time will meet it's end here on earth. I am reminded now that I need to make the best of the time I have. I need to live each day as if it were the last one I had to live. I don't need to live forever to live completely. One thing though... I need to try and live my life as a mirror image of God. It is only by living my life through Christ that I can truly live completely.

There are so many trials I've been faced with in life and so many I'm facing now and have still to come. Sometimes I'm not sure how to handle these trials. There's so many times where I honestly want to just give up; just throw in the towel. I know that I cannot though. Our trials were customed tailored for us and there is a purpose for each and every one of them. We may not know the purpose... but there is one. Our sufferings are meant to help us identify with Christ. That's the way I want to try and look at it every day.

I've decided that I'm going to look into a summer class at NOVA. I really need to get my feet back in the water with school. I still want to finish my associate's degree at NOVA and transfer somewhere else. I was really wanting to go to Virginia Tech. Even after the shooting... I still really want to go there. We'll see what the future brings though. I'll take it one day at a time and work on my associate's degree first. I still want to eventually move to the Outer Banks. That is one of the future goals I've set for myself. It probably wont happen anytime soon... not for a few years at least... but it's still a goal to be had.

I am going to start looking at things on a more positive note. I was doing so for a while, but then I allowed myself to falter. I am going to view things postively because positive thinking leads to positive actions. I'm going to aspire to believe and aspire to acheive. I won't be a good for nothing in life. I'm going to be succesful. I'm going to be a respectable woman. I'm going to be a great mother. I'm going to be a great wife. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter and friend. I am a great person and I will reach my dreams in life. I will succeed. I will go far. I will stretch out. I will make a difference in someone's life. I will lean on Christ. I will walk with God again. I am a Christian, a child of God and I WILL make that known again.

Round the wheel I go

The whole department of guys is just utterly confusing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about it anymore. I've never felt so tossed around in all my life. Maybe it's because I'm still in love with Brendan. Cory is such a nice guy and I like him... but I can't help the way I still feel about Brendan. I need to talk to Cory about it. I know I need to. I need to tell him the way I still feel for Brendan because it's not fair to him if I don't.

I'm not sure why I still love Brendan. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way. Maybe I'm not. I just need to continue to work on growing myself as a person. I need to work on my relationship with God first and foremost. Without God, I can't know the answers to the rest of my life's questions. With God first, the rest will follow. I need to continue to have that outlook on things. God will provide... but I need to seek him first.

My mind just races so much these days. There's not a moment's rest. I feel like a hamster running around that wheel. I keep going and going... and going. Nothing changes... all that effort is put into running that wheel, but no progress is made... because when I stop moving I realize that I'm still in the same place I was when I began. That's not what I want in life. I don't want to put out so much effort only to find that I'm stuck in the same place I began. I want to grow. I want to stretch out. I want to reach for my dreams and actually acheive them. I want to find my purpose in life. I want to understand why Amber is here. Why am I here on this planet? What am I supposed to do with the time I have. There's so much on my mind and what I've already stated is just a minimal in comparison to the ultimate thoughts that I'm consumed with.

I just want to find my place. I want to start a family. I want to be a good mom in the future. I want to be happy. I want to be successful in my eyes, God's eyes and the eyes of my friends and family around me. I want to be an influence on someone's life. I want to make a difference. I want, I want, I want so much, but I'm so good about not making it happen. It's one thing to want... it's another to do.

It all goes back to one thing though. I need to work on my relationship with God. I just have to. I'm never going to truly be happy until I do. I want to try this again with Brendan. I really hope that it is what God wants for me. I need to pray hard about it. In order for it to work out between us though we need to have God in the center. He needs to be our foundation. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. We need God to be that third binding strand that makes our cord. That is the only way this will work. We need to be strong and hold back from certain temptations. We need to take things slow. We moved way too fast the first time we tried this relationship and there are so many mistakes we made that I'd like not to repeat. Maybe in the time we've spent apart we've both grown some. I truly hope so. I know that I myself have changed. I just hope it's been change for the better. I'm growing up. I'm becomming a woman. I'm almost 21 years old. There's still so much to know. There's so much wisdom and knowledge that I have yet to cram into my head. There's always going to be so much more that we need to know. The incoming knowledge never ends. It's a lifetime process; growing up is.

Now that I've babbled on and on I really need to end this and get a little rest. It is almost 12 and there's still so much more I want to write, but little time in which to do so. I do have to rise early for work. I'll add more later on when I get a free moment.