Finding God in the tough times

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord,
‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a
future."

This is God's promise to us.

Have you ever found yourself in a rough patch in life? Maybe you're in a tight spot financially and aren't sure if you can pay your bills this month or even feed yourself. You've just ended a relationship that you thought for sure was promising. You recently lost someone dear to your heart. Perhaps you have anxiety about a situation in your life that doesn't make sense to you. You feel like you're at a dead end. You feel like your life is falling apart at the seams. Ready to give up?

In situations like these, it's all too common for us to take our focus off of God and lose hope. Remember... God promises to prosper us. He promises to give us hope and a future. God has given us promises that we can rely on when we are in need of comfort and assurance and He is always true to His word.

God uses tough times to direct us. He uses problems in our lives to point us in new directions and down new paths. He does this to refine us and mold us into steadfast followers of Christ. 1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." When we are suffering, we often feel as though our pain will never end. Peter assures us that our sufferings will only be for a little while.

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." You can make your plans, but God will direct them and often he'll direct them through the problems that arise in your own plans. These problems arise to get our attention. CS Lewis said, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pain; It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." God uses distress to open our eyes. Job 36:15, (The Message) "But those who learn from their suffering, God delivers from their suffering."

What did Job do when faced with difficulty? He cried out and praised God. What did Daniel do when he was thrown into the lion’s den? He simply praised God. What do I find myself doing all too often when I'm faced with troubles? I worry. I complain. I lose hope instead of praising God. Hold on. Stop right there for a moment. Do you see the problem here? God has a solution and a reason for my troubles. Even if His solution is not what I want, it is His perfect Will. I should be praising Him and trusting Him to see me through. I should be trusting that He knows exactly what He is doing and that He knows what is best for me and how to mold me.

If we continue to focus on the problem, and not on God, the problem will win. If you want advice, if you want comfort, if you want a direction to go in; turn to God in Christ Jesus. He has promised you a hope and a future. He has promised to lead you the way. He has promised to restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

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I wrote that because yesterday I've was struggling a lot and needed to be reminded that God is going to see me through. I'm trying to get my taxes done and I was worried because it's looking like I'm going to owe money instead of receive the tax return I was hoping for and really truly needing. I'm trying to get caught up on a few things financially right now and already living barely paycheck to paycheck. There are days when I don't eat as much as I should. There are days where I'm lucky to fill up the gas tank. Times are tough and sometimes it's really hard to see a way out. But... there is a way out and that way is through Jesus Christ.

I happened across Matthew 6:25-34 today. It says:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.



Don't let your worries about tomorrow affect your relationship with God today.

A Rescuer

I seem to always forget I have a blogspot and would really like to get into writing more in here. I'm just so used to writing in my handwritten journal that I forget about my online one.

I wrote this poem a little while ago. I've been through an awful lot in my life and no matter what, God has always been there ready to grab hold of me and comfort me. He is my rescuer.

A Rescuer

Below a watchful moonlight’s glow
Across thickets bound in thorns
There find you a little weeping girl
A heart in pain; her clothes are torn

Confined to misery by hidden chains
There she pines to wash away memories
drown her bruises and hurt amongst tears
Yearn to release restricting holds; to be set free

A caged bird watching the world spin by
She lay in tall grass gazing at skies above
Sobbed a melody; a tune of hopeful pleas
For rescue from a sadness she’d grown tired of

A man soon found her among the thicket
Reached down to wipe away her tears
He picked the girl up; carried her out of thorns
Whispered gently, “You have nothing to fear”

He took her to a nearby home in town
Washed her feet; wiped the dirt from her skin
Wrapped a blanket around her shoulders
And that’s when his own tears did begin

He wept for the pain she’d endured
He wept for the bruises she hid behind
The girl turned and hugged the sobbing man
Couldn’t understand why he’d been so kind

She turned to him once again and said
“I’m nothing, who are you and why this fuss?”
He replied, “I love you my daughter. You’re everything to me
And by the way, You ask my name. My name is Jesus.”



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I know I'm not perfect. In fact, I screw up an awful lot, even when I try my hardest not to. I'm human. That doesn't mean I can't strive to be better. That doesn't mean I can't strive to live a life imitating Jesus. I know I don't always set a great example of a Christian. I do have that desire to be more though. I do have that desire to grow even closer to God. I need to take that next step though... plunge forward. What is holding me back? What is holding me down?

I wrote this as a note on my facebook and wanted to post it on here as well

Hey my fellow Christians. I have an honest question. Do you feel self-conscious in crowds? Maybe you're afraid to pray out loud during a Bible study where everyone can hear you. Maybe you're nervous to read a passage from the Bible out loud in a group setting because you may stutter, mispronounce a word or lose your place. Maybe you've been feeling called to stand in front of your church or family and talk about Jesus, yet you hesitate. Why do you hesitate? You feel like everyone's eyes are on you. You worry about what they may think of you. Today is the day to get past those fears and stand up in front of everyone.

Most of us feel self-conscious in front of crowds and would much prefer to blend in with everyone else like a chameleon rather than be singled out. Imagine how self-conscious you may feel if you were deformed in any way or had something unusual or different about you that might cause people to stare. Mark 3:3 "Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, "Stand up in front of everyone." The man stood up and upon further instruction from Jesus, he stretched his hand out and his hand was fully restored in verse 5.

So why did Jesus ask the man with the shriveled hand to stand up? Why does Jesus ever ask us to step out in front of people? Why does he single us out at times? It isn't because he wants us to feel humiliated or feel like we're being made a spectacle of. When God singles us out from the crowd and asks us to stand up in front of everyone, it's because hes about to do something amazing that will bring him glory. The man with the shriveled hand was healed. What does God want to do in your life? You're going to have to stand up in front of everyone to find out.

This has been a huge area of difficulty in me for the longest time and has also been a huge area of change in me within the last few months. I used to be so afraid to be singled out, but I've really learned to plunge forward and just do it. I prayed out loud in front of a group for the first time ever a few months ago and I led my first Bible study discussion a few weeks ago. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's not always easy taking that step forward, but I can assure you that God is doing something amazing in my life right now to bring him glory. It's is because I have chosen to stand up in front of everyone. I try not to have fear about what others may think of me because in all honesty, this is about God. Fear is lack of faith guys. Remember that.

-Your sister in Christ

A friend of mine commented this and here's part of my response

While I've definitely come a LONG way in building up more confidence in stepping up to the plate without worrying about what others think of me, I still do find myself occasionally trying to convince myself to remain quiet and in shadows so no one will notice me. My biggest set backs are my fears and worries. I'm just always reminding myself that both fear and worrying are indications that I'm not putting full faith in God.

There's one quote about worrying that I heard once and it's stuck with me ever since.

"Worry never empties tomorrow of its sorrow, but it does empty it of its strength." Think about it.

A different kind of love

Last night was most interesting. Brendan came by to drop off a few items of mine that had found their way lost in his house. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had no clue if it was going to be awkward or not.

I spent the entire day with an anxiety knot built up in my stomach. I'm not sure what about Brendan coming over made me feel so anxious. Maybe it was the uncomfortableness of a broken relationship colliding together for a moment. Maybe it was the act of him bringing over the last of my things. Maybe it was the awkward silence that was bound to make it's way into the room. Maybe it was some of the residual feelings that I still feel for him. Whatever it was; it had me feeling bound and sickly for the remainder of the day.

I think I had to remind myself to breathe a couple times as I waited for him to show up. Finally he did. We managed to talk a little with only a few small bouts of awkward silence. Mainly we just discussed what's been going on in our lives which served as a distraction to block my mind from resorting back to that night where we broke things off and the hurt I felt. I probably should have just grabbed my things and showed him to the door, but a huge part of me was really curious to know how he's been since I still do genuinely care about him.

Finally the moment came for him to go and we said our goodbyes. He shuffled out the door and a minute later I heard the familiar sound of his jeep starting up and rolling away.

I'd like to think that one day he and I can maybe be friends. Time will tell. I'm glad that we can at least be adults about it. One thing this visit did was help me to clarify the thoughts that I had been reasoning in my mind for a while now; that I no longer desire a relationship with him. Sure I still love him. I don't think that will diminish anytime soon, if ever. A part of me will probably always love him to a degree, but that love has already begun the process of dwindling into a very different kind of love.

I know God has someone out there planned for me. I don't believe in "the one" so to speak, but I do believe that there is a person who would be better suited with me.

A new me; a change I can be proud of

I can't believe it's been so long since I've written in here. An awful lot has changed and I'm no longer the person I was when I last posted.

Brendan and I broke up back in June. I have to say it was the worst best thing that could have ever happened to me. I absolutely still love him, but my love for him has changed into a different kind of love. I can't say that when I see him I don't still feel all jittery inside, but I've changed so much that I can resist giving into the butterflies and letting them control my actions.

I was lost. I'm now found. I was broken. I am mending. God is responsible for this change in me for he has completely touched my heart and rocked my world. I needed this breakup with Brendan. As much as I feel for him and as much as I didn't want to break up; I needed this opportunity to take a step back and evaluate my life. I was exhausting myself running from God. I was exhausting myself giving in to my own fleshly desires. I was exhausting myself thinking I could do it on my own.

Back in August, a friend of mine invited me to Elevation. Elevation is an evening church service on Sundays that's mainly built up of young adults. I had been struggling with my past a few weeks prior. My past and the pain from it had been my primary focus for a while and I was constantly submerging myself back into that past in attempt to drown myself in the sorrow; in my own self calamity.

My very first night at Elevation was the beginning; the beginning of a new me; a girl who desired a true and deep relationship with God. The topic that night? Dealing with your past and learning to let go and let God. It gives me chills still to this day when I think back to that night. I was in tears, but I tried to hide them so that my friend wouldn't notice I was crying. I was touched. I feel like my eyes were opened finally.

Since then I made the decision to be baptized and did so in the Potomac river. That was an experience I will not EVER forget. I've also made many MANY new friends through Elevation. I love everyone there so much. They're amazing people and they really do have hearts on fire for God.

I pray for Brendan all the time. He doesn't know this. I haven't told him and probably wont. I know he doesn't read my blogs so I don't mind mentioning it here and if he does decide by some miracle to read them then well... maybe he wont mind that I pray for him. I don't see him often enough now to know where he is at with God, but I do know where he was at during our relationship and around the time we broke up. I pray that someday he'll completely surrender himself to God, reach out to God and desire a relationship with God. I'm not hoping that Brendan will grow closer to God so that we could possibly have a relationship together again or anything. I honestly don't think I could date him again. But... I still care about him and I still desire for him to have a closer relationship with God.

Taken from a strand of time

Wow... it seems as if I've almost given up blogging. Unfortunatly in a place where time never stands still; I find myself falling behind in the recording of my journeys. Every single day is a new adventure and I yearn to taste it. Some days are pretty shitty while others have me bursting into ecstatic mode like a shaken soda can. Each day holds something new whether I'm ready for it or not. I just have to buckle up my boots, stand up and face it.



A lot has been going on though there's no need for a novel of description. Just know that recent discoveries have pushed me to re-evaluate some of the friendships I've treasured in the past and some of the failed friendships that were never destined for success anyways. Am I upset? A little. Still, there's no reason for me to allow any such drama to destroy who I am. I allowed myself to burn inside over this whole situation for a bit, but I've now realized that the individual in question is not worth me getting upset over. Life is too short to dwell over that which really cannot be changed. You just keep on in forward motion and hope that you'll eventually find some sort of steady ground. I feel that I am strong enough inside to overcome any storm that blows my way. Still, sometimes I must remind myself of this inner strength at times when I feel most weak.



My life almost seems to have hit a dead halt at this present time. It's a temporary halt, but still a halt all the same. I've been thinking so much about goals I've yet to reach and how I can do so. My plan is that unless there are huge life proposals to be made in the near future that alter or delay my current direction; I will be looking to excercise my want to move to the Outer Banks much sooner. Once this entire car accident situation is completely sorted out then I'm going to sit down and plan my budget and pay the car off quicker if at all possible. Please don't waste time lecturing me about moving when I currently have a debt to pay. I can assure you that my car will be paid off before I make any such rash decision to move. We'll see how the course of life and relationships flow this year and my decision will be made accordingly. Still, regardless of any changes that come up I hope to move to the Outer Banks at some point in the next few years.

Here comes yet another new year

Here we are at the rise of a new year. As always I choose to begin the new year with a resolution or some sort of goal that I intend to meet that year. It's not that January 1st should be the only time for setting goals... but the beginning of a new year is symbolistic in that it signifies a fresh start. With that fresh start comes opportunities to achieve your goals, try new things, whatever takes a bite of your cake I say.
Anyways, I've decided to start this new year off with a few goals. One of which was to move. Yes I know, I move more often then anyone I know. I think it's in part because I have a hard time finding a place to call home, but of course I have my other reasons. I've given my 30 day notice and I'm packing up again. I really liked the family I was living with, but that's the thing. I was living with a family and in a family-like setting. I really need to be living in a more roommate situation with people my own age and I'd really like to be able to pay less rent and get started working towards my future career as a dog behavioral specialist/trainer. That is my so called New Year's Resolution as some would put it. Though it is of my opinion that goals and resolutions shouldn't be limited to only being made at the breaking of a New Year.
I do want to start this year with a clean slate. I have goals. I have passion hobbies that I want to take advantage of now while I'm still young and have all the time in the world to do so. I have ideas that I want to flirt with to see what I can mold the thoughts into. There's so much I want to accomplish this year... and not only this year, but every year from this point forward. Every moment I want to spend working hard to achieve the passions I have in life.
One thing I run into is that I have so many passions. Anyone who knows me knows this. I'm a complete dreamer. I'd like to think it secretly runs in the family, but no one else chooses to admit that they too dream. I ride horses. I kayak. I draw. I paint. I write. I photograph. I love working with dogs. Agility. I love to camp. I love to hike. So many passions that I don't know where to start. The fact that I'm good at many things reminds me of something my Grandpa used to always say to us kids before he passed on. It is better to be good at many things then to be great at just one. Those words will escort me and stick by my side for the remainder of my life.
Anyways... there's my little unfinished tid bit for the day. I really have to get back to work. Way too much to catch up on after the holidays. I want to wish everyone a happy new year. Challenge yourselves this year. Meet a goal. Love a little and laugh a lot. I love you all!

Updates

Wow, it's been a while since I've actually thought about writing. So much of my life has just shot past me and I haven't had a moment to stop and record these day to day adventures.

Brendan and I took a trip to New Mexico. It was his first time in a plane and he loved it. He met my mother, step-dad and brother, my aunt and cousin Akayla. He met my friends. He saw my old house. He got to catch a glimpse of the enchantment New Mexico holds. This was my chance to show him a piece of me that he hadn't known until this trip. My past lies over the desert mesas like a napping blanket. This was my chance to share with him why I am who I am. I wish we could have stayed longer. There's still so much he has to see out there.

Goober is getting really big. When I found this little kitten he was small enough to hold in the palm of my hand. He's growing fast. Where has time gone? I feel like I blinked my eye's for one moment and in that moment I shot through a time warp into the future days. All of a sudden he was not a little kitten anymore.

I'm really attached to him. He is my life. Now, I love Brendan, but if I ever had to choose between him and Goober... I think I would have to choose Goober, lol. He's such a little cuddle bunny. He will make me carry him around with me everywhere I go. He loves it. He's the most sociable cat you will ever meet. Goob is learning some new tricks too. He already knows sit. He's working on stay right now. Soon I'll have him rolling over, high-fiving me and playing dead. He absolutely loves learning new things. He's very alert when I pull out the treats and the clicker.

Work is going well. I definitely plan on staying here a little while longer. I don't intend to make BAI my career though. I've decided I'm going to seek after my certification to be a professional dog trainer. I'd like to focus more along the lines of behavioral assessment issues such as digging, biting, fear aggression, dog aggression, human aggression, etc etc. I plan on creating a seperate blog to record my journey down that path.

Web of Dismay

Why am I allowing myself to be so frustrated today? This chair at work is annoyingly squeaky and every time the phone rings I want to strangle the person on the other line. Oh what joy it would be to be able to pick up the phone and chuck it at the wall adjacent to my desk. The continual frustrations bite at me like a rabid bat; a bat that I can't seem to shake myself of.

Last Sunday at group, Tanya taught a lesson on James 3. The majority of the chapter speaks of taming the tongue and trying to control your anger. You would think that after the lesson I would try harder. Instead I find myself more frustrated and angry than I was to begin with. Maybe it's because I spend so much time bondaging these frustrations up inside me without making attempt to resolve the problems.

It's times like these that I find myself hiding in the shadows waiting for the passing of the storms. Still, though I trap these feelings inside, afraid to unleash them at the situations the frustrations have been born from; I allow them to leak out at the persons (or one person in particular) who I truly would rather not place my burdens upon. He has suffered enough of my venting and I try so hard to spare him my troubles, but in the end I don't realize that I've placed them on his shoulders once again until it's too late and I've already created damage. I just hope that he will forgive me and continue to stand by as I go through this temporary rough time. I appreciate him so much for being there for me. I wish he understood exactly just how much I appreciate it. Words would not be fit enough to prove that though as my appreciation is so much more than words tell.

Another problem I find myself faced with is that I worry too much. A friend once told me that there is no profit in worry. It's been some of the best advice I've received though I haven't done much in way of mastering the art of not worrying. Another friend recently told me that he thinks of worry as being almost that of sin because when you worry you show your lack of faith in God. That's what I'm doing; showing my lack of faith. I wish I had more faith. I want to have more faith. I really do. I just allow everything that bothers me to get in the way of stuff that should hold higher priority in my life.

I have about a million problems running circles in my mind right now, but I'll spare you the details. It's not something I'd like to bring about. I'd much rather avoid the sympathy and/or arguments that could be birthed from them. I will say however that I'm not going to be the person who becomes highly depressed and sits around doing absolutely nothing about it. Sure, I get depressed just the same as anyone else would who finds their self trapped in a web of troubles and dismay. However, it's not something that I will allow to take control over who I am. I'm stronger than that. Whether you see it or not makes no difference to me because I know who I am and I know that I will pull through any storm that comes my way. It may not be an easy task, but I can do it. I know I can.

Just when you think you've figured it out

Yesterday was one of those days where I feel completely lost and upset. I feel like a spectator in my own life. There's a film playing right before me. I can't interact with the film or manipulate it into something else. I can't do anything except sit and watch. I watch as so many people fall apart around me. They drown in the misery they've been cursed with and I want so bad to reach down and pull them to safety. I can't. I know I can't. I think maybe that's what destroys me the most inside. It's that knowing that I can't save them that kills a bit of me every day.

I know that I need to begin by working on my own being first. I find myself trapped in this web of life. It holds me captive. I can't pull my hand free to escape from the hauntings of the world. Sometimes I try to reach into my dreams in hopes that I can remain in the fantasy I've created within. Instead, I'm faced with the reality of today's society continually molesting it's way into my mind. The wants of this world push you into a state of confusion; torn between what's wrong and what's right in the eyes of God. Breaking free of this bondage I've created for myself is proving to be somewhat of an unyielding task. I know I can do it. It's doing it that is the complication.

So why are we people so fascinated with what is forbidden? Why do we jump at the temptations that crawl deep into our nostrils? Why is it that when you know something is wrong in God's eyes, you continue to act on it over and over again? Is it because the world views these temptations as acceptable and alluring that we continue to dip and bathe in the pleasures of our flesh? I speak these words not to preach, but to myself as I have found myself consistently seduced by the wants of my own flesh and unable to pull away from it. The desire for it to continue is so strong. Does that desire outweigh my desire for a relationship with God? My priorities have been twisted and bent it would seem.

I have a lot on my mind as usual. My head is forever spinning. Anyone who truly knows me would attest to that. There is much to learn; much to figure out. I'm young. There are still many years I have left to place my mark in. I'm forever in a journey. Some days it is rather mundane. Other days, it's fascinating. Some days it's terrifying. Other days, it's joyous. Each day has it's own role to play in my life and yours. I think that we are each meant to understand one big thing in life. Every day we live is just another step towards that understanding. Some days we find God. Other days we run from him. We yo-yo ourselves in confusion, always searching for that which has been standing before us the whole time. Does anyone else find themselves in these stages of yo-yo-ing? I'd really like to hear some input.

until next time...

When the fields turn gray and the sun has gone to sleep

Life is like a tornado. Once you get caught up in it, you just spin round and round. You never know what you're going to hit along the way. I'm just a consisitent whirl, spinning out of control. Some things are going well. Other things I could certainly do without. You have to learn to take the bad with the good though.

I have a new kitten. I found him in a dumpster and named him Goober. With this recent addition in my life comes a multitude of arguments however. Some of my family are not in agreement with my decision to keep him. I'm making this decision as an adult. They could never fully understand and it is not my intention to try and make them understand. I need to do what I feel is best for me and that's exactly what I'm doing. I know that in doing so, it means that I need to find a new place to live since my grandparents do not want a cat in their house. It's ok since I had previously made my mind up that I was going to work on moving out of my grandparent's house and get back out on my own. Goober is just the little motivation I really needed to push me that step forward.

I've been searching for a place to live. I know I'm making progress and it's a matter of time before I find a place that seems to suit Goober and myself. My grandma has given me two months to find a place to live and it's frustrating at times because I find myself caught up in the worry that I wont find a place in due time. I know that I need to stomp those worries out of my life though and just press on with the affirmation that I can indeed do it.

The new job seems to be going well. I got a job at Burk & Associates and I really like it so far. It's a little different. I've never been one to really jump at the chance to have an office job. However, I think for now it will be just what I need. The money is definitely a lot better than what I had been seeing from Red Robin. I'm finally moving myself forward in life. I'm putting myself out there to gear towards the sucess that I so desperately desire.

My mom told me she has to put my dog, Cheyanne, to sleep. I'm really bummed because that dog has been a best friend to me for so many glorious years. When I moved to New Mexico and had absolutely no friends, it was Chey that stood by my side. She was such an amazing dog and I know that I'm really going to miss her. I'm losing a best friend to the world... but she will always remain in my heart, always.

Things with Brendan are going really well this time around so far. He made his mind up about the coast guard. He's been thinking about it for a long time now and finally made the decision to join. It's going to be rough. I know it isn't going to be an easy thing for us to go through in our relationship. Trying to maintain a relationship on a long distance term is one of the hardest things for couples and a huge test in the relationship's strength and sucess. I'm excited for him though. When he first started thinking about it way back when... it scared me so much. It still scares me. However... I'm looking at it all in a different light this time around. I know that things are going to be hard. However, I'm willing to walk through it all with him. I'm willing to stick this one out. I have a few things I'm really worried about... but Devon says that there is no profit in worry. It doesn't do anyone the slightest bit of good... so I'm trying not to have those worries chipping away on my shoulders. I'm starting to think that this Coast Guard thing might be a really good idea. It would help him to really grow into the man I know he's destined to be and in a way, it may prove to be a really positive thing in our relationship. They say that "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." We are being blessed with the opportunity to prove that theory. It may be what we need to help strengthen our relationship.

In fact, being apart may be what I need to help myself grow in my relationship with God. I know I want to see Brendan grow as well, but I can't be the decider of that. Only he can make the decision as to when he's going to put his two feet forward and walk towards the cross. I really want to strengthen my relationship with God and that time alone may prove necessary for that needed spiritual growth. I talked a lot with my friend Tim about it the other day. He said that when Devon would bug him about church and God it would just make him irritated with her and not want anything to do with it. It wasn't until she stopped bugging him about it and worked on her own relationship with God that he realized he needed to make a choice. He could either move towards God and still be able to keep Devon, or he'd have to choose the life he had and in doing so lose her. He was faced with that choice ultimately and in the end chose God. He told me that the best thing for me to do is to just continue to try and work on my own self and not push Brendan, but pray instead.

Well, I'm going to end this entry for now. It's been real, but I need to get something to eat. I'm kinda starving.

... until next time...

The end of old and a new beginning

I put in my two weeks notice at Red Robin. My last day is this coming Friday. I'm looking forward to being done with that place. I'm looking forward to moving forward with my life. I'm almost 21 years old. I'm not getting any younger. I need to start doing something worthwhile for once.

I can't wait to see what the future brings for me. I'm excited to see what twists and turns I go through and what adventures I'm set sailing into. There's so much to be had and I'm going to experience all that I can. I can't wait.

Anyways... Normally these entries are longer, but I don't feel like writing much today. So, I'll go ahead and end this for now.

Scrambled minds anyone?

I finally made my decision.

I really liked Cory. I still do. He's a great guy. He honestly is. I can't hide from my heart though. I can't hide from the truth. I'm still so in love with Brendan. I wanted to make sure that this love is real and not just a little dust left over from the past. It's real. Telling Cory that was the hardest thing I've had to do. How do you tell someone that hasn't done anything wrong that you can't have a relationship with them? It sounds like it should be simple, but it just isn't.

I just have to follow where my heart is leading me and hope that it's pulling me in the right direction. I've got to learn to trust God in this situation too since that's an area I seem to be lacking in.

I'm really looking forward to finding my niche in life. I'm really looking forward towards discovering my purpose. I'm really looking forward to chasing after my dreams as they scramble in every direction. I want to run in the rain and spin circles in it like I did when I was a kid. Why shouldn't I? Sometimes you have to find the inner child in you so as to stall the process of growing up. Sometimes you need that spark to keep your heart alive. I'm going off topic completely, but I'm just writing everything as I think it. Doesn't matter if it makes complete sense or not I imagine.

There's so much more I wish to write, but as it stands right now... I can't. So I will end this for now.

Aspire to believe, Aspire to achieve

They say there is power in the brokeness. I've prayed the broken prayer. I asked God to break me for him. I need it. It's come down to this; I've fallen too far and need God to break me inside and mold me to be who he wants me to be. I know what I'm getting myself into. Everyone tells me that if you pray the broken prayer that you better prepare for it to not in any way be easy. I understand. I know. I need it. I need God back in my life. I've been running away from him for far too long and I need to stop, take a breath, turn around and run back to him. I can't do this without him. I need God in my life. I've screwed up so much on my own... thinking I could do it myself. I know that I was in the wrong. I've needed God this whole time. I just need to stand strong and truly seek after him. I need to not just say that I need to do it, but actually get up and do it. God is the only one who can help me stitch together this tapestry I call life.

Sometimes I'm a good writer. However, it seems that so many times when I'm in my deepest emotions, I just can't think of the words to write. It drives me crazy. I still have so much on my mind and no clue how to sort it out. Why is this? It leaves me weary and more confused than when I started. It's like I said in my last post. I'm a hamster running around on this wheel and when I stop I realize that I'm right where I was when I innitially began. All that effort was put forth with nothing achieved. I just don't get it. Can anyone else explain this to me? Do I make any sense? Probably not... but then that's how life goes I guess. We can't always have explanations for everything. Our brains would be mush because we wouldn't have to try to sort out problems and put the puzzles in life together.

There's been a lot going on in recent days. The Virginia Tech shooting took place on 4/16/2007. It was a sad day for all of us in mourning. Of the victims there was one who I kinda knew. We weren't friends or anything, but she was friends with some of my friends and I knew her a little through them. She seemed really nice. I can't believe that someone like her with so much talent and beauty was lost in the Virginia Tech massacre. It's still unfathomable to think that her and so many other upcoming individuals were killed. We all put aside our own today and remember these lost hokies for today we are ALL Hokies.

Still the question I hear a lot right now is "Where was God in the VT shooting?" I might have pondered on the same question for a moment or two myself. One answer I heard told really touched me; God was right there standing with the rest of us in mourning. With every shot fired he shed a tear. God gave Cho free will just like he gave all of us free will. Cho made the choice to kill these innocent people and then take his own life. He made the choice. God isn't responsible for our actions. Still... God was saddened by the choice Cho chose to make. His candle shown brighter than the rest in the millions of candlelight vigils that took place all over the world in memory of the victims. I hope that all who read this will truly see that God was there the whole time. He hasn't and never will leave our sides. The real question isn't where God was or why he allowed this to happen. The real question is what are we going to do about it? Where and Why lead us to nothing... but what we're going to do about it leads us on a path to determine a plan of action in this case.

One thing that I've been reminded through this tragedy is that life is short. We don't know what tomorrow brings. We can be here one moment and gone the next. We don't know when our time will meet it's end here on earth. I am reminded now that I need to make the best of the time I have. I need to live each day as if it were the last one I had to live. I don't need to live forever to live completely. One thing though... I need to try and live my life as a mirror image of God. It is only by living my life through Christ that I can truly live completely.

There are so many trials I've been faced with in life and so many I'm facing now and have still to come. Sometimes I'm not sure how to handle these trials. There's so many times where I honestly want to just give up; just throw in the towel. I know that I cannot though. Our trials were customed tailored for us and there is a purpose for each and every one of them. We may not know the purpose... but there is one. Our sufferings are meant to help us identify with Christ. That's the way I want to try and look at it every day.

I've decided that I'm going to look into a summer class at NOVA. I really need to get my feet back in the water with school. I still want to finish my associate's degree at NOVA and transfer somewhere else. I was really wanting to go to Virginia Tech. Even after the shooting... I still really want to go there. We'll see what the future brings though. I'll take it one day at a time and work on my associate's degree first. I still want to eventually move to the Outer Banks. That is one of the future goals I've set for myself. It probably wont happen anytime soon... not for a few years at least... but it's still a goal to be had.

I am going to start looking at things on a more positive note. I was doing so for a while, but then I allowed myself to falter. I am going to view things postively because positive thinking leads to positive actions. I'm going to aspire to believe and aspire to acheive. I won't be a good for nothing in life. I'm going to be succesful. I'm going to be a respectable woman. I'm going to be a great mother. I'm going to be a great wife. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter and friend. I am a great person and I will reach my dreams in life. I will succeed. I will go far. I will stretch out. I will make a difference in someone's life. I will lean on Christ. I will walk with God again. I am a Christian, a child of God and I WILL make that known again.

Round the wheel I go

The whole department of guys is just utterly confusing. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do about it anymore. I've never felt so tossed around in all my life. Maybe it's because I'm still in love with Brendan. Cory is such a nice guy and I like him... but I can't help the way I still feel about Brendan. I need to talk to Cory about it. I know I need to. I need to tell him the way I still feel for Brendan because it's not fair to him if I don't.

I'm not sure why I still love Brendan. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way. Maybe I'm not. I just need to continue to work on growing myself as a person. I need to work on my relationship with God first and foremost. Without God, I can't know the answers to the rest of my life's questions. With God first, the rest will follow. I need to continue to have that outlook on things. God will provide... but I need to seek him first.

My mind just races so much these days. There's not a moment's rest. I feel like a hamster running around that wheel. I keep going and going... and going. Nothing changes... all that effort is put into running that wheel, but no progress is made... because when I stop moving I realize that I'm still in the same place I was when I began. That's not what I want in life. I don't want to put out so much effort only to find that I'm stuck in the same place I began. I want to grow. I want to stretch out. I want to reach for my dreams and actually acheive them. I want to find my purpose in life. I want to understand why Amber is here. Why am I here on this planet? What am I supposed to do with the time I have. There's so much on my mind and what I've already stated is just a minimal in comparison to the ultimate thoughts that I'm consumed with.

I just want to find my place. I want to start a family. I want to be a good mom in the future. I want to be happy. I want to be successful in my eyes, God's eyes and the eyes of my friends and family around me. I want to be an influence on someone's life. I want to make a difference. I want, I want, I want so much, but I'm so good about not making it happen. It's one thing to want... it's another to do.

It all goes back to one thing though. I need to work on my relationship with God. I just have to. I'm never going to truly be happy until I do. I want to try this again with Brendan. I really hope that it is what God wants for me. I need to pray hard about it. In order for it to work out between us though we need to have God in the center. He needs to be our foundation. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. We need God to be that third binding strand that makes our cord. That is the only way this will work. We need to be strong and hold back from certain temptations. We need to take things slow. We moved way too fast the first time we tried this relationship and there are so many mistakes we made that I'd like not to repeat. Maybe in the time we've spent apart we've both grown some. I truly hope so. I know that I myself have changed. I just hope it's been change for the better. I'm growing up. I'm becomming a woman. I'm almost 21 years old. There's still so much to know. There's so much wisdom and knowledge that I have yet to cram into my head. There's always going to be so much more that we need to know. The incoming knowledge never ends. It's a lifetime process; growing up is.

Now that I've babbled on and on I really need to end this and get a little rest. It is almost 12 and there's still so much more I want to write, but little time in which to do so. I do have to rise early for work. I'll add more later on when I get a free moment.

The changing of the tides

Life is ever changing. We can't stop the change. There's no way to avoid it, no place to hide. Sometimes I can't figure out how I feel about change. Part of me hates stepping outside of my comfort zone. Part of me is scared of the idea of doing something different because I like where I'm at. Still... there's another part of me that longs for a change; longs for something that hasn't already been established as the norm for me.

Where am I going with this? I'm not quite sure. I do know this however; it's time for change in my life. For too long I've been sheltering myself in my comfort zone. It's time that I step out of it now. I'm so different from my family. I'm not the only one that sees that. I was talking to my step mom about it yesterday. She sees that I'm different; that I march to the beat of my own drum. To be honest, I like that about me. I don't want to be like everyone else. If people tell me I need to do things one way in order to be successful then I like to be the girl to follow my own path and do it a different way. I can't understand why I am this way... but that's who I am. Take it or leave it.

So. I've been searching for the piece of me that is still missing in my life. There's so much more out there I have yet to discover. I seek for adventure. I yearn for it. I like to travel. I like to experience new things. I want to learn to fly a plane on my own, sail a boat, swim with dolphins, race horses across open fields, and dance across the shore in the moonlight with the one I love. Yes. That is me. The adventurous dreamer. I've always been the dreamer in the family. I do need to learn to find my base first though so that I can provide myself a foundation and then from there take off to reach for my dreams. I keep telling myself one thing though. God gave us dreams one size too big so that we have to stretch into them.

Some people don't have faith in me. They can't see that I can do it. I'm going to do it though. Whatever my heart's desire; I will do it. Whatever the mind can conceive it can achieve right? I'm not going to do it to prove to anyone else that I can. I'm just going to do it for myself. I want to show myself that I have the ability to make it in this world... and enjoy the path to my dreams as well. Some say that my head is trapped in the clouds. Oh well.. that's me. That's who I am. Whether you think you can or can't, either way you're right. I'm going to keep thinking that I can... and I will. Watch me and you'll see.

Anyways... I'm trying to figure out now where to find that base. That is where I need change in my life. If I'm ever going to achieve my dreams then I need to have the base to branch off from. I'm exploring my possibilities. I'm looking for any opportunity that comes my way that will help pick me up off the ground, dust myself off and move forward. This is my life; my adventure. I'm really excited to see where it takes me.

I'll keep everyone posted on what's to come as I figure it out.

Snowflakes falling onto your tongue

This is the second day that I've been stuck at home. We had a bit of snow and I live at the bottom of a hill. I haven't been able to get my car up the hill and the plow company refuses to send a plow down here. They said we just have to wait for it all to melt. I'm very frustrated since I need to be at work. I can't afford to not be there. It's driving me crazy.

So... what do I do with the time that I have to spare? I could start working on a painting... or write. I think writing sounds more like something I'd prefer to spend this day on. One of my new year's resolutions was to start working on a book. It's the middle of February and I have yet to put the pen to paper. I'm still working on coming up with a good story line.

Anyways... I've decided to start a new journal... a journal of my dreams. I'm going to record them in a hand written journal that I'll keep next to my bed, but if there's interesting ones that I feel like sharing I'll start a new journal on blogspot for them. I got the idea from someone who has an online blogspot journal for his astral projection training process and he mentioned the idea of having a dream journal. I realize that I have so many dreams that I should write down. Since I don't always write them down right away they tend to become a bit hazy.

Just Pray

My step dad is going to Iraq in early March and I wrote this poem for him. I'm headed to California end of February to see him before he leaves. I plan on reading this poem to him when I say my goodbyes and of course I'm also giving him a copy of the poem to take along with him.

“Just Pray”

You take your leave to a far away place
To a land where dust never settles
Can you see the worry written on my face?
Pierces my stomach like stinging nettles.

You make this dangerous journey today
To a place where there lies so much fear
I know the best thing I can do is just pray
Though I can’t help but shed all these tears.

I want you to know just how much I love you
I want you to know just how deeply I care
I want you to know there’s nothing I won't do
To know you’ll be in every one of my prayers.

You were there for me in times I felt so lost
You held me close when no one else would
Stood right beside me no matter what the cost
And never received the thanks that you should.

Here I am today in gratefulness for everything
For taking me in without moment’s hesitation
You helped seal the tears in my broken wings
Now you go to help seal God’s broken nation.

I’m scared for you, though I know you’ll be strong
You’ll always be the bravest one in my eyes
I know you’re not alone; God will guide you along
Just promise me every night that you’ll look to the skies.

There the moon will subsist, bright as clear day’s glow
Take a moment to look, for me you must do
And when you see the moon at night; I want you to know
I’ll be staring back at it thinking only of you.

Here I am as your daughter to say my partings
Please don’t be gone long; we need you here
Tried not to cry as I wrote this, now tears are starting
Before I turn and walk away please hold me near.

Please don’t forget to write to me tomorrow
Couldn’t bear not to hear from you anymore
Be safe and be strong, and be there no sorrow
As you take your leave into this cutting war.

You make this dangerous journey today
To a place where there lies so much fear
I know the best thing I can do is just pray
Though I can’t help but shed all these tears.


Written by: Amber Grisler to Steven McGee

A chance to get back on my feet and dust myself off...

I haven't felt so liberated in such a long time. Things are great. Brendan and I are still talking, but I'm glad that I'm taking time away to find myself. I'm starting to get back into old hobbies like writing and drawing. I really wonder why it was that I put all that aside when I was still with him. I'm really not sure. I feel so much more alive now that I'm digging up these past hobbies I enjoyed so much. I plan on starting a new book soon. I was thinking of finishing one of the previous books I had started writing a long time ago, but I think I need to start everything off fresh and in doing so I also need to start writing something fresh as well.

I'm really looking forward to this journey I have to find out who Amber is and what she wants with this life. It's exciting. I've been given the opportunity to rediscover who I am. Sure the breakup was and still is a hard endeavor for me, but I choose to look at it as a blessing in disguise. Maybe one day things will work out between Brendan and myself if it's supposed to. Or maybe there's someone else that I'm supposed to give my heart to. I guess time will tell and the best thing for me to do is take whatever steps I need to in order to figure out what I want in life and let relationship stuff fall into place when and where they should fall.

Looking forward to any new relationships (be it friendships or something more) that I make along this journey. It's time to pick up these broken pieces and glue them back together.

This life of yours is tumbling down
You don't know which way to turn
Fading into darkness without a sound
Casting memories in flames to burn

Hope is lost; your end draws near
Sitting alone with the knife in your hand
You trap everything within, save a single tear
Ending this misery is in high demand

The pain of love lost defeats your heart
Leaves you battle scarred and worn
You want to surrender to the piercing dart
To cut free what's already been torn.

I know the wounds you feel tonight
I've been there once before, you see
It was the same grim depressing sight
Only the one clutching the knife was me

I'd lost everything I held close to my heart
Bathed myself amongst tears of blue devils
My life had unraveled; all had fallen apart
Feelings of despondent on every level

**editor's note** I never finished this poem. I wrote it for a friend of mine who tried to commit suicide... never got around to finishing this poem though.