A chance to get back on my feet and dust myself off...

I haven't felt so liberated in such a long time. Things are great. Brendan and I are still talking, but I'm glad that I'm taking time away to find myself. I'm starting to get back into old hobbies like writing and drawing. I really wonder why it was that I put all that aside when I was still with him. I'm really not sure. I feel so much more alive now that I'm digging up these past hobbies I enjoyed so much. I plan on starting a new book soon. I was thinking of finishing one of the previous books I had started writing a long time ago, but I think I need to start everything off fresh and in doing so I also need to start writing something fresh as well.

I'm really looking forward to this journey I have to find out who Amber is and what she wants with this life. It's exciting. I've been given the opportunity to rediscover who I am. Sure the breakup was and still is a hard endeavor for me, but I choose to look at it as a blessing in disguise. Maybe one day things will work out between Brendan and myself if it's supposed to. Or maybe there's someone else that I'm supposed to give my heart to. I guess time will tell and the best thing for me to do is take whatever steps I need to in order to figure out what I want in life and let relationship stuff fall into place when and where they should fall.

Looking forward to any new relationships (be it friendships or something more) that I make along this journey. It's time to pick up these broken pieces and glue them back together.

This life of yours is tumbling down
You don't know which way to turn
Fading into darkness without a sound
Casting memories in flames to burn

Hope is lost; your end draws near
Sitting alone with the knife in your hand
You trap everything within, save a single tear
Ending this misery is in high demand

The pain of love lost defeats your heart
Leaves you battle scarred and worn
You want to surrender to the piercing dart
To cut free what's already been torn.

I know the wounds you feel tonight
I've been there once before, you see
It was the same grim depressing sight
Only the one clutching the knife was me

I'd lost everything I held close to my heart
Bathed myself amongst tears of blue devils
My life had unraveled; all had fallen apart
Feelings of despondent on every level

**editor's note** I never finished this poem. I wrote it for a friend of mine who tried to commit suicide... never got around to finishing this poem though.

Barefoot + Treadmill= OUCH!

Stop it, Stop it, STOP IT!!!! I'm tired of all these mixed emotions running through my brain. One minute I want to try again with Brendan and the next I'm not so sure. I just don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt again. I really want to work on my walk with God and I know that I can't focus on God right now if I try to focus on Brendan too. It needs to be one or the other and right now I need to choose God. Maybe God will put Brendan back in my courting/dating life one day when he sees fit, but I need to be stronger about not letting Brendan into my life too much right now. That doesn't mean that I want to lose contact with him altogether... it's nothing like that. I just need to not get too close to him and make sure that when we're together there are other people around. It's too easy to jump into old habits when it's just the two of us.

I hurt my feet today. It sucks... they are sore and scratched up. Guess you shouldn't be on a treadmill for more than 30 minutes barefoot huh? Oops. I wasn't entirely thinking. I only planned on walking it for 10 minutes. The next thing I know it's been 30 minutes and my feet are starting to feel really hot. Next time I'll wear shoes.

I've really been working on achieving my New Year's resolutions this year. I'm not very good at sticking to it, but this time I'm not doing it alone. I have friends alongside me and that's really encouraging. My goal is that I'm going to look great in a bikini this summer. I'm determined. You better not stand in my way. I've already lost 3 pounds and that's helping me to feel even more motivated to continue. YAY!

Anyways... Not much else to report currently. Wow, this was kind of a boring post don't you think?

Lost in the wilderness

I could have lost him forever. What would I have done? How would I have handled the situation? God was definitely looking out for all 8 of them. A bunch of my guy friends from my bible study including Brendan went on a camping trip this weekend. It sounded like great time for them to get together and find their inner men and grow closer in their bond with one another. Us girls had a 2 day long sleepover at Tanya's, which was a lot of fun. It's not that often I allow myself to enter the world of girly. I've always been slightly more tom-boyish in nature. I really enjoyed myself however.

Anyways... the guys drove about 3 hours to Hot Springs, VA area. Then they had to hike and canoe 3 miles to reach their camping destination. Their plan was to be back by around 3 o'clock Sunday afternoon. By 3 we had still not heard a word from anyone. By 8 o'clock there was still no word and we were starting to worry. At first we figured they had just gotten a late start. But, since not one guy had called us to let us know what was going on we were really getting concerned. Finally at 10 o'clock we called the police to report that they had still not returned.

The state trooper ended up finding them. Apparently all the guys were suffering from bouts of hypothermia, some worse off than others. One of my friends has asthma and couldn't breathe. Brendan and a couple of the guys had to canoe back to get out somewhere where they could find reception and call us to let us know everyone was ok. Brendan was telling me that they got stuck in the middle of the lake for 3 hours in the pouring rain and it was so foggy they couldn't see in front of them to know where they were going. They were completely lost. That's so scary. I'm so glad that they made it home ok. I don't know how I would handle it if we had lost anyone.

They definitely have an adventure to spill though. Next time the guys can stay home, watch chick flicks and paint their nails. Us girls will do the camping thing, haha. Of course, not in the dead of winter though.

Anyways... I can't even begin to explain how worried and knotted my stomach was. It was a relief to hear that they were ok and I felt so much better once Brendan walked into that room. I don't care if they were supposedly lacking some inteligence in getting ready to leave sooner or whatever anyone else says... none of that matters right now. They're safe and that's all that truly matters to me at this point.